Mens marriage strike
The Marriage Strike
By Matthew Weeks
For those of you who know me in real life, this will not come as a surprise, but I have no designs on ever getting married. Now, it appears I am not alone in my disposition.
“Why Men Won’t Commit: Exploring Young Men’s Attitudes About Sex, Dating and Marriage,” a study released by researchers Barbara Dafoe Whitehead and David Popenoe of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, concludes that men are, indeed, more apprehensive about getting married than before.
“The median age of first marriage for men has reached 27, the oldest age in our nation’s history,” Mr. Popenoe remarked in the Washington Times. “If this trend of men waiting to marry continues, it is likely to clash with the timing of marriage and childbearing for the many young women who hope to marry and bear children before they begin to face problems associated with declining fertility,” he continued. You know this is a collegiate study when an examination of a trend that is affecting men is used to fret about the state of women.
The study contains several possible explanations for this phenomenon, based on interviews with 60 single men, 25 to 33, who live in four parts of the country. While that level of measurement certainly is not statistically significant enough to reflect any kind of a national trend, responses generally revolved around the possibilities of suffering huge losses if the marriage ends in divorce. (“An ex-wife will take you for all you’ve got” and “men have more to lose financially than women” were common refrains, the study reports.)
To humor the study’s results for a few minutes, let’s examine whether or not these young men’s concerns are justified. If we accept the old feminist argument that marriage is slavery for women, then it is undeniable that — given the current state of the nation’s family courts — divorce is slavery for men.
Take a hypothetical husband who marries and has two children. There is a 50 percent likelihood that this marriage will end in divorce within eight years, and if it does, the odds are 2-1 it will be the wife who initiates the divorce. It may not matter that the man was a decent husband. The reality of the situation is that few divorces are initiated over abuse or because the man has already abandoned the family. Nor is adultery cited as a factor by divorcing women appreciably more than by divorcing men.
The new trend that has taken hold of the court system is what as known as the “no fault” divorce, in which the filing party needs only to cite their general discontent with the marriage in order to be granted a hearing. Women initiate these unilateral divorces-on-demand 3 times as often as men.
While the courts may grant the former spouses joint legal custody, the odds are nearly 40 to 1 of the wife winning physical custody. Overnight, the husband, accustomed to seeing his kids every day and being an integral part of their lives, will now be lucky if he is allowed to see them even one day out of the week.
Once the couple is divorced, odds are at least even that the wife will interfere with the husband’s visitation rights. Three-quarters of divorced men surveyed say their ex-wives have interfered with their visitation, and 40 percent of mothers studied admitted that they had done so, and that they had generally acted out of spite or in order to punish their exes.
Then, of course, there is the issue of financial losses due to court-imposed payments. In the end (99 times out of 100), the wife will keep most of the couple’s assets and –if they jointly own one — the house. The husband will need to set up a new residence and pay at least a third of his take-home pay to his ex in child support, on top of whatever alimony payments the courts impose upon him. These can run as high as another third of his income. (Add the cost of taxes to that and the man gets to keep exactly 13% of his take-home pay — he’d better pray that’s enough to keep him alive.)
But as bad as all of this is, it would still make our hypothetical man one of the lucky ones. After all, he could be one of those fathers who cannot see his children at all because his ex has made a false accusation of domestic violence, child abuse, or child molestation. Or a father who can only see his own children under supervised visitation or in nightmarish visitation centers where dads are treated like criminals.
He could be one of those fathers whose ex has moved their children hundreds or thousands of miles away, in violation of court orders, which courts often do not enforce. He could be one of those fathers who tears up his life and career again and again in order to follow his children, only to have his ex-wife continually move them.
He could be one of the fathers who has lost his job, seen his income drop, or suffered a disabling injury, only to have child support arrearages and interest pile up to create a mountain of debt which he could never hope to pay off. Or a father who is forced to pay 70 percent or 80 percent of his income in child support because the court has imputed an unrealistic income to him. Or a dad who suffers from one of the child support enforcement system’s endless and difficult to correct errors, or who is jailed because he cannot keep up with his payments. Or a dad who reaches old age impoverished because he lost everything he had in a divorce when he was middle-aged and did not have the time and the opportunity to earn it back. Our imaginary man might consider himself lucky if he knew what his life could have been.
Over five million divorced men in America are currently experiencing the situation I just outlined. Without a doubt, their stories and experiences are heard by unmarried men. Can anyone truly blame the men for having apprehension? They stand to gain little and lose everything they’ve worked for in their entire lives should they “take the plunge”, so to speak.
So ladies, if you have a problem with this, speak to your feminist brethren. This is the legacy which they have left behind. By erasing the stigma of premarital sex and encouraging physical liberation, they have eliminated one of the most powerful incentives in history for men to tie the knot. By advocating government as a surrogate husband in the case of single motherhood, they have eliminated the disincentive for women to file for divorce. And through decades of litigious activism, they have given rise to the bloated and intrusive family court system and stacked it so egregiously against the men of this country that it now appears they are subconsciously engaging in what could be called a “marriage strike”, preferring to play the odds rather than assume a massively disproportionate amount of risk.
As for the men, make no mistake, they are slowly beginning to realize that the power is now in their favor. They have more and more perfectly legitimate reasons for remaining unmarried every day. Given a choice between not marrying one’s lady friend — assuming no risk whatsoever and still having the historical benefits of marriage (sex, companionship, etc.) available to them, or marrying the woman and having a 50-50 chance of their lives being utterly destroyed should the woman so much as be “unhappy” with the marriage, the decision is a no-brainer. What women perceive as a “fear of commitment” is really nothing more than a pragmatic assessment of the odds facing men in the prospect of a marriage.
Therefore, the trends evident in this study are not much of a surprise. I would wager that if the study were conducted nationally, similar results would be produced. Of course, such a study would invariably seek to address the grievances of the dejected single women of the country. My advice to them would be simple: offer to sign a prenuptial agreement that outlines the exact terms of a possible divorce: how assets would be divided, how any alimony and child support would be handled, and other vital elements that may be causing apprehension. And don’t be insulted if your potential mate asks you to sign one, or if he desires terms that will be equitable to him. No matter how strong your love may be for one another, the demand for eligible bachelors willing to commit to marriage is currently exceeding the supply, and if you won’t sign it, odds are that there’s another woman out there who will.
NOTE: Statistics in this article (and, in effect, much of its text) are drawn from Glenn Sacks and Diana Thompson’s Philadelphia Inquirer op-ed of 7/5/2002 entitled: “A Marriage Strike Emerges as Men Decide Not to Risk Loss”
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To add, if I’m not mistaken, you don’t even have to be married – just living together with your partner for 2 years ( I think ) to be subject to a similar fate if you happen to split with your partner.
Also, I’m confident that if a nation wide study was conducted, similar results would gathered. I can’t explain how infuriating it is to read this article ( no offense Stephen ) and see just how biased the law has become. It seemes it’s more directed rather than biased against men. I lost my faith in the justice system many years ago, but this is a reality I find bewildering. What has this country come to when a loving Father has to live in a car in attempt to make ends meet? – and even such an extreme is still not enough.
I am wondering why they are still so many men
getting married! Things will only get worse women
will never change a system that is in their favor
If they dont have to. Its a game you have a lot more to lose if you are a man why would you bother? you can have the same privileges without
taking such a chance.
My experiences are consistent with Mike M….
Why would the femi-Nazi brigade championed by Aunty Helen and her funny-girls wish to change even one small part of this male-as-a-slave-to-all-wimmin utopia?
On the surface, women seem nice, but underneath I think they are very greedy, self-centered, controlling, and unfair towards men. I don’t know why men allowed things to get this bad and why it seems like most of them aren’t doing anything to change the legal situation. It’s really sickening. It shows how twisted and self-centered many women are when they blame men for not wanting to get married, as if there’s something “wrong” with us. Most women only see their own selfish point of view and they are insane about having power over others. They’re not nearly as nice as they think they are.
And i only thought it was ONLY my ex that was like that ! Thanks Robert for heads up, insane, controlling, greedy Yes all the women i have known have turned out like that at the end too
A prenuptial agreement is not worth the paper it is written on especially after a period with one’s partner say 5years or more.
I know from experience that a family court just can override such an agreement.It is also not worth having a family Trust.
I had both and Judge Inglis ordered sold, a family farm held in Trust.
The only sure protection a male has is get a vasectomy before you have your first jump and don’t ever get married.If you must have sex you will find more takers when you are single than what you will get throughout marriage.
Hi guys, I have to agree with you all, women can be scum although my wife of 2yrs has been let down by this government and she would never hurt anyone, we just want our poor innocent 10mth old son back
I have a few male friends and all have been in similar situations where partners have invented abuse, moving to another country, being totally nasty. I find it appalling and am a widow and a great marriage to look back on. we arent all like that but enough are to make me cringe.
Millions of GEN X and Y woman will miss out on children, only when they
50 + years some will wake up…_
13% of ones’s pay gets to be taken home.How did we let things get like this and what are we doing about it?
This article was written about the US in 2005 but could easily be about NZ in 2008.
At least NZ has yet to start jailing fathers for missing payments but with the Judith Collins reign about to commence can we be sure it will not happen?
It was written in good economic times.What will happen when some men in NZ start losing their jobs but are still facing onerous “potential income assessed “payments?
I have been getting these for the last 5 years and they are completely ridiculous.The thought of paying once has never entered my head and because of that I cannot live in NZ and have a relationship with my 3 children there.
The only time I challenged it in the court the woman Judge Fleming altered it for the worse and also awarded $1500 costs against me so I will not be going back there!
I recently joined the marriage strike,im 27 years old & their are two factors that that put me on this path,the childhood memories of what my dad had go threw to get custody of me. And just looking at the odds & seeing how marriage doesn’t pay off for men,also my psychodic mom & I’ve always been a nice guy,when I was younger I became. Stuck in the friend zone,but I pulled my self out of that bullshit,I learned from my mistakes & learned the tricks that women play. In the process,but now women notice me & that I’m in shape,I take karate & I’m still a nice guy,but I’m a nice guy that women can’t play,because I know their game- plan. For a women a man is just good looking dick & a wad of cash,they don’t care about you as a person,only what you can offer them & thats how it is. Some women have said,only divorced men are on marriage strike,well I’ve never been married & don’t plan to be,your loss ladies & I use that term loosly.
Well, anyways, 27 is too young to get married.
So what is the point to worry so much about it at such a young age?
Isn’t it disgusting that with this serious assualt on all men and the family, that the issues gaining the most attention in the US presidential race and the rights of women and gays. Where do we go from here? Even if we get all this misandrist laws that are thinly disguised by feminist rhetorical lies overturned, what system to we put in its place? I think when all is said and done we can atleast view feminism and so called “women’s liberation” as a radical social expierement. Its effects are undoubtedly disastrous, yet do we reserect the old system or create something completly new?
Our society as we know as entered a moral darkness. Everyone around us is
working for their own selfish interest. The society is collapsing at a
faster rate than a house of cards. This generally happens when women come
into power. The Great Roman Empire and its downfall happened because of this
particular reason, women becoming powerful in the administration. Women are
not only greedy and selfish but also amoral and corrupt. We see their
reflection in today’s society.
The end is here, Western world or any country that follows this hate-male
culture will collapse. How long can the economy sustain its huge prison
populations, barrage of diseased single mother living off tax-payers money
and tons of other social evils? It going to get worse, don’t get caught with
a wretched wife when it does. Stay single and happy, thats ur victory
against the Matriarchy.
sentyan – i hear you brother. i am a former ‘nice guy’, groomed by my mother to be a kiss-ass husband for some broad who would run my life: i am not even exaggerating, my mother virtually told me this.
anyway, the Ben of 2009 is a whooole lot wiser, and i managed to escape the clutches of several very greedy and deceitful women, now I am the one using girls, TREAT EM LIKE A PROSTITUTE, i live by that mantra every day.
All men should listen to the Tom Leykis show on I-tunes!
My wife walked away from our 25-year marriage… why? Well the sad fact is under no fault laws it doesn’t matter. It was all about her, not me, not our children not our extended families. I didn’t see it coming.
The legal system and ex made my life a living nightmare… assets, money, children… interfering with visitation, custody battle, pension, she made false allegations toward me… the list goes on and on.
I will never marry again. Why any male would choose to marry a woman with even a slight possibility of being tortured like this, let alone a good chance, is a mystery to me.
My goal… write, talk to, educate young men into the reality marrige will be should they say “I do.” My time is better spent helping young men make better decisions than I did. How many… as many as will listen to me.
;-D
Yes BEN, to paraphrase a hateful feminist saying
“All women are prostitutes and that’s all that they are”
Wives ALL think that your money is theirs and their money is their own
And to spreadtheword, i hope that you are OK, such legal and emotional terrorism added by government’s laws is very difficult to get over, men have to deal with it in their own way. I agree spreadtheword is the best thing to do given the ever growing power of the state and their agents. But yes it is difficult to imagine it all, unless you have been through it yourself
hi my names Emmah Whayman
im looking for John Fryer that lived
in New Plymouth in the 1990′s
if i cant find him i’ll have
to do a police search
Spot on Dave,
Well explained.
I doubt any man who has really thought through the issues would even bother trying to convince you against a marriage strike.
This topic is old hat now.
Matthew Weeks wrote his article ‘The marriage strike back in 2005.
Over the intervening 5 years I’ve scoured the media and I’ve NOT heard one argument that got noted as sensible in support of marriage for men.
Just think about that for a moment folks.
The new attitude is marriage for men = massive risk + higher than 50% chance of serious trauma.
tick…tick..tick……
marriage is great specially if you have found a very special someone that is beautiful both on the inside and outside.`-`
Hi Ashley,
I am not clear what your point is.
1. If marriage is a sacred ceremony then why doesn’t it end after the ceremony? You see us foolish males think marriage is a permanent life choice bound by a contract. Someone needs to tell us it is only about the ceremony.
2. “Being married also gives us happines” [happiness].
Maintaining happiness is not conditional on your marital status. Also many men pretend to be happy inside a marriage because once married they have no real options. However, for arguments sake, let’s agree that we might be more likely to be happy inside a marriage than outside it.
OK – but at what cost?
The risk is that 50% of the time it will end and the man will be made extremely miserable and stressed for up to 20 years. I significant number commit suicide as a result.
For the 50% that stay married an unknown percentage stay unhappily married. This is because for the husband the consequences of divorce are even worse.
So in fact the majority of marriages end up with the man being unhappy – not so much because of marriage but because of divorce.
However a man who never puts himself under this risk can find happiness in a vast number of ways.
But I can hear you say happiness for most includes family.
Sure. But you don’t need a marriage to have children.
In fact you don’t need a woman. All you need is to buy some eggs and rent a womb – viola! Father and child secure in their relationship.
I’d like you to persuade me that a marriage strike is not the way to go. This is because I naturally desire this. However as a thinking male you have a long way to go to convince me.