To whom it may concern
This is my first post in this forum. I need help and advice. I am drowning and I really do not know what to do. I do not want to react. And I know anything I do will be used against me.
My story goes a long way back. Two years ago, my wife then, told me she was heading to a bbq. A day later, I got a phone call from Hawaii. A week later, I located her in Misery, USA.
In the USA, she was faced for a request to return the children. She disappeared. Nine months later, she reappeared in Holland and requested that I move in with her and the children.
I declined and pressed with my Hague petition for the return of the children. She got nasty and made allegations of abuse. Her allegations were dismissed in court. The children’s return was requested.
I was asked to travel to collect the children but upon arrival, they had disappeared. The mother was found and held in custody. The children had been removed back to the US by her parents.
She was freed pending appeal of the Hague decision and requested to cooperate with the local police to bring the children back. As soon as she was freed, she appealed the decision, made worse allegations and did a runner. She flew back to the US, her home. The appeal went in my favor.
That was over a year ago.
We had another hearing in Misery in August. The allegations escalated from worse to downright silly. I won traveled to the US in January 2008.
In the plane, she offered to move back in with me. I almost cried of DISGUST. After two years of running around the world crying wolf, blaming me for abuse that never happened, she wants to move back in with me. It felt like a solicitation for prostitution.
I had then been granted an Interim parenting order. Upon arrival in NZ, I found out she made more allegations and triggered section 60 of the child care act.
The children were taken away from me at the airport. The lawyer for Child (LFC) drove her to her new residence. Since then, my life has been hell.
We appeared in court to discuss the section 60 allegations. I wanted to have a ruling but both my attorney and the LFC concurred it was best not to. A consent memorandum agreement was introduced by the LFC as a stepped in regime of the children under my care. I was asked to be the reasonable party. I signed it after being told it was temporary and my parenting order would be preserved.
My parenting order was immediately dismissed. The LFC blamed the judge. The LFC, since then, has been acting unilaterally without consultation with me. He redrafted the order to make it last for a year.
He recently applied for a variation of the order to allow the mother to take the children away from Northland for a holiday. The order stipulates that neither parent can remove the children out of Northland unless approved by the other.
I only found out about the holiday when we had a teleconference with the judge to discuss holiday arrangements on Monday. We were due to discuss it prior, but her attorney was not available.
My attorney submitted my refusal to allow the children out of Northland. The judge decided otherwise and made an order.
The last time she went for a BBQ, it cost $80,000 US for attorney fees and NZ$30,000 in travel cost. These cost do not even reflect a tenth of what it truly cost considering the involvement of three Central Authority of three governments.
Worse, it cost my children their sense of identity and my daughter was abused by the same guy my ex married to prove that the children were settled (“they love their new daddy”, she said) and should not be returned.
The children names have been changed. I am certain she has applied for new passports under their new names. I cannot afford to send them on a holiday with the mother.
She is picking them up today to take them for a holiday. I do not trust her with the kids.
Any advice out here?
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Hi cb,
I am struggling to follow some of your posts. I think if we look at ourselves and take responsibility for our part in getting into the situation the way forward becomes much clearer.
hindsight is a wonderful thing, that comes with experience, yes – i am a little abstract, with my bursts of emotion…
cb…
the mothers that drag us and the children into the family court are proactive. THe fathers that fight and the system that ostracize are both reactive. We can blame ourselves and the system for our own reactivity but cannot shift the blame away way from those that initially started the entire process.
I have noticed that policeman kill their wives ten times more than aveage men, maybe they know something we dont. Five years in jail may be a price worth paying to dispose of these evil bitches, there are no problems with money, DEATH to evil women
Murray, I was rereading your comment (#44) above.
It sums the entire system up. Thanks for taking the time to elaborate.
I have more proof than necessary to prove that my ex has no idea what the children want nor does she care.
I know she does care about being on the DPB, getting child support, sitting at at cafes and restaurants while the children are babysat, going out on a date while children are babysat, fighting and trying to take any minute of care away from me to give to a babysitter.
I do have to laugh though. She used the children to request from the LFC to allow them to go on a holiday. The LFC vouched for her through people he knew.
I got arrested for refusing to let the children go. The entire exhibition was carefully crafted to go on a holiday with a new boyfriend under pretense it was with someone else.
The kids are worried they may have a new dad. That will be dad number three in 2 and half years.
She even went as far as dropping the kids off at the friend to elope with new boyfriend while telling the children their daddy is in jail.
The system wants to give full faith and credit but only to the mother. In the mean time, the list of aberrations continue. The children are not protected.
I have no right but to babysit them when they are not with the mother and pay child support.
Hi VictimByGender, she sounds like scum and i think those poor children would be much better off without her in their lives
For all that talking may have value, time is always drifting by.
The real world requires action, for positive changes to happen. I do my best in discussions, but I am very uncomfortable whilst time drifts and maybe the necessary actions have not yet been completed?
It scares me, when talk substitutes for positive action. I prefer to try to help, than to talk into the breeze.
I know that talk can help people back onto safe ground, but it should never be a complete substitute for constructive action.
Children’s development (and our own lingering deaths) will proceed whether we are doing anything useful or not. Legal workers may delay and bill, but for us to make the best of this life, we should close life-wasting issues and get on with enjoying life, as if there were no legal workers.
Every week we delay, there is at least another Hague abduction return application made. The number of international abductions may be up to three times this. The number of children ever returned isn’t half of this, less for children returned to fathers.
Each week another 240 children are unilaterally removed from where they were settled with both parents, to start more sheep=parent fleecings.
There are strong incentives to be aware of these risks and to try to protect your children and yourself from these situations. Like all con-tricks, the lazy, greedy and gullible make themselves the easiest targets.
Honest sharing of information is the antidote, certainly not dastardly deeds kept in the dark.
Remember, it’s your money they are after.
One example of people being mislead by dishonest information, is making agreements when one parent will shortly leave the country.
Familycaught judges frequently mislead themselves, or allow a legal worker to mislead and stay silent. Once the parent has left New Zealand, then frequently much or all of the agreement becomes totally unenforceable.
However, by the time the other parent has realised this, they may have effectively signed away their rights to see the child, or put themselves into a poorer financial situation, than they would have, if they had known the truth about the weakness and lack enforcement of agreements made in a different country to that in which the children now reside.
Judges may run around the countryside, saying that they are looking into improving the enforcement of agreements made overseas.
Bit, will this ever happen?
Think it through, if you were a “judge” and a situation arises about enforcing an overseas agreement, freely entered into, would you enforce it or would you rather say it is a new situation and lets hear it all again from the beginning. Oh no, it is anew situation, agreement has been allowed to let the children leave, so now we can forget that, it is now 3 week old ancient history.
Lets hear it all again, in my countries caught.
While one of the parents still has money or fleece-ables, the hearings can continue, it’s in the child’s interests, that we extort the parents!!!!!!!
This is why it is never wise to flout success in a secret caughtroom. It’s like waving large amounts of cash in a dark alleyway.
Technically, this is an unmanaged conflict of interest situation. These are disastrous for victims, in any arena. It doesn’t have to be unmanaged, such management of conflicts of interest is centuries old knowledge. Most of our legislation was written to protect people in such situations, just not in familycaught!
Best regards, MurrayBacon.
Hi Guys, you all really need to listen to Murray as he is a real intelligent guy and he knows what he is talking about, for as long as we sit back and cry to eachother, our poor children are in the hands of evil and suffering, we should be fighting for whats in their best interests which is to have us as their parents taking care of them rather than these bad people neglecting and abusing our poor innocent children
Hi, sorry, i just want to say we celebrate Mothers day and Fathers day but what about Caregivers day, are caregivers not important people? are they even people? i am a person but i would never steal someones child
Victim by Gender.This woman sounds like a bit of a shocker but anyone can grow up and change! Have you told her you are sorry for everything that happened between you recently?Have you told her that you are so grateful that she brought your beautiful,wonderful children into the world? Have you thanked her for the great times you two had in better days? Will you send her a thank you card and some flowers on Mother’s day.
Love her.Unconditionally.Then things should start getting better.For your children’s sake.
If for some reason things do not get better at least you will have tried your best.
I did not expect this kind or reply and I am thankful to all of you. Murray, your points are succinct and straight.
Some women will hide behind a burning bush just to get away with shuning their own conscience. The problem I find is that, as long as we are before the family court, she will hurt them willingly to gain an unfair advantage.
Any agreement I’ve come about has been turned around to request and swindle more time away from me.
Every action I’ve taken to make the situation right (compromising) gives her a wider access through the door.
Nothing seems enough for her thirst for vengeance. Her biggest issue is stubbornness and ego. She does think her shyte does not stink. She also believes she can get away with murder as long as there are men that lust and women that can be paid to represent her.
The problem I have is that she is a vindictive woman and filled to the brim with spite. When she left NZ, she left me with almost 30,000 in debt and swore never to return.
I’ve made her come back when I went to pick up the children. Now she has to justify herself for returning. All she has are baseless lies to justify her actions and more to explain her future treacherous actions underfoot.
The sad part is that it does not have to be. I did not want to move away because our relationship was hitting rock bottom. Moving away would have meant more stress for everyone. Sometimes, in a relationship, the best thing to do is to put your foot down and say: “No, that’s enough”.
It also means that whatever the battle was, it is already lost.
Well I did. She said: “Sweet, we are off to a bbq!”. She took the kids and Farked off. In her mind, I had no choice but to pack and move. In fact, that is the biggest present she has ever given me. My peace of mind.
Loosing one’s own children for over two years while being accused of the most heinous crimes in the world is something to raise a dead man into a vindicative ghost.
In my case, no matter how painful the experience has been and still is, I cannot deny the fact that it has taught me more about myself than I’ve ever imagined.
“From the depths of your sorrow come your greatest joys” –K. Gibran
Among many others, the virtues of celibacy are quite delicious to contemplate.
I am now free to dedicate myself to my children. That is what I want. I know I am willing and capable of it. She also knows that. She also knows that the children love me and want to be with me. That is her fear.
In her mind, she would prefer to give them a new daddy than to let them be with their own natural father. That is what is irritating. She is fighting a war that I have no interest in.
I should be angry and vindicative too but I cannot be. It is all about logic. The kids need both mum and dad. It is not about me. It is not about her.
I think she is unfit but I am sure my children will disagree. They both love their mum the same.
She may think I am unfit too. But it is the same again. The children love me and want to be with their daddy.
They need to be settled, focus and loved in a good and nurturing environment. Their childhood has already been stolen. What else will be stolen before she hears the sound of peace?
The family court may sometimes be the only avenue left to find justice. I am hoping that in time, she will stop fighting because, if this goes any longer, I will have to give up.
Not because I do no want to fight. But because the fighting itself is not good for the children.
I am hoping it will not come to that. She is wanted by Interpol and many are suggesting that I “dobb” her in. That would solve my problem.
Even that, I cannot contemplate “dobbing” her in. It would not be right for the kids to have their mum in jail. Close friends of mine are so irritated by my fate that I sometimes find myself placating them instead of them placating me.
I know someday, the truth, in its majesty, will stand out.
Whanga, she has given me the greatest joys in my life as well as the greatest pains. I am thankful to her for everything she has given me. I am also thankful to her for every thing she has taken away. More importantly, she has set me free from this love that shall forever echo in my heart for her.
I only wish her well. I know someday she will wake up from this self inflicted nightmare. When it happens, she will be in the shoes she put me in when she left.
Hi, I’m trying to hold of allan harvey, my father has just had his first visit in four years with his three girls, under barnardoes, the mother is opposing access saying the father cannot have it because of section 60 of care and protection act 2004, it goes to court on the 16th Dec,,even though the mother has made many verbal allegations there is nothing substanstail, without informing the father the moc has moved the children from Timaru to Gisborne and has now made application to have court procedures moved there, we would like to have the children returned to Timaru, with or with out the mother,,what precedents can we cite to the judge next week,
Hold Allan’s what exactly ? Good luck with your father’s case
His EMail is allan@uof.org.nz , i did a search
I for a number of days wish to kill myself. I have even have the scars to prove it, but I cannot let my parents or my bother know about it…
Can you help me>?
Anthony,
It’s good that your so open about your state of mind.
help can only come if your more open and start to explain the problem to folks though.
As is iftent he case when a person is so low it may seem that the problem is too complicated to explain or there may be many problems piled up and pressing down.
If either of these is the case then here’s a suggestion for you.
Sit down for a while without distractions and jot down on paper all your problems. Then circle the most pressing one that stands out. Ask yourself which problem which
if it were solved would bring the most relief and happiness.
Then come back here with that information.
Good luck.
We wrote something in reply at the same time. I should have known you wold pick this up. (smile)
Anthony, did someone e-mail you about this?
Of course WE can help you. There are many, many wonderful men who care about you and understand exactly how you are feeling.
Dear Anthony,
If you would like to make contact to discuss the issues making you suicidal please do so.
Either, e-mail me at paulcat@xtra.co.nz or via telephone as noted below.
Kind regards
Paul Catton
East Auckland Refuge for Men and Families
(09) 271 3020