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Wed 21st March 2012

Separated or Together Parenting

Filed under: Boys / Youth / Education,Gender Politics,General — MurrayBacon @ 11:47 am

John Potter made the following comment: http://menz.org.nz/2012/triple-p-parenting-or-pet/comment-page-1/#comment-730030

It seems to me that the dynamics of parenting as a couple are quite different to how it is if you are solo. It’s not clear to me how well PPP addresses this issue.

John has made the distinction between solo and separated. Another very important comparison, is together or separated parenting.

This is an important distinction, in that a much greater set of better developed skills is required to separated parent well. By the very fact of aiming for separation, there is a prima facie case that one or both parents lack this higher level of parenting skills. (To pour petrol onto the fire, I might suggest that more hazard generally comes from the party suggesting separation?)

If the separation is allowed to proceed, without checking that the soon to be separated parents do in fact have this higher level of skills required, then we can be confident that the quality of upbringing of these children will be dangerously compromised. [I would go further and state that the activities of the familycaught$ further increase the danger to children, by sometimes restricting regular frequent access to both parents, as is required to protect healthy mental health development of these children.]

John Potter drew attention to separated parenting.
In my opinion, generally solo parenting due to partner natural death is more akin to together parenting. [I stand ready to be shot to death…]
Step parenting is a separate subject again.
Some topics apply through all of these categories of parenting, so I have included these under Parenting & Child Protection or Parenting Skills Training.

Here is a list of book or paper references, divided out by the category headings, that we have come to:

Parenting & Child Protection

2 parents is best for children
Changing theories and practices of discipline Roger Slee
Danielle Crittendon What our mothers didn’t tell us
Dealing with Lying The Dos and Donts
Death by Adoption Joss Shawyer
Little People Learning to See the World Through My Daughters Eyes
Manipulating parents Tactics Used by Children of All Ages and Ways Parents Can Turn the Tables
Marital Conflict Management Skills
marital disruptions to grandparent relationships
Nurturing and Resilience Teaching our children
Overcoming performance anxiety
Parenting without punishment Making problem behaviour work for you
Parents Handbook Step
Parents in pain
Self effacing wit as response to oppression
self esteem
Teaching children Good Behaviour by Time Life Books
The Parents Book

Parenting Skills Training

Toddler Taming by Dr Green (imagine ex-wife as a toddler – surprisingly helpful here too)
Beginning Fatherhood Warwick Pudney Judy Cotrell
Mellow Parenting 15-Parenting_in_Social_and_Economic_Adversity
Parent Effectiveness Training by Dr Thomas Gordon
Parenting With Confidence Ian Mary Grant
Positive Discipline for Single Parents
Raising Teenagers by NigelLatta
Superpowers for parents by Dr Stephen Briers

parenting while separated shared custody

ChildCustody.Kruk.Fullpdf Edward Kruk shared parenting
Children in Changing Families Jan Pryor
Dads House Mums House Isolina Ricci
Death by Adoption Joss Shawyer
Divorce is not an option
Divorced Dads
Dont Divorce Us [kids advice to parents] Rita Sumners Flanaghan Chelsea Elander
Effects of Divorce in America
Goodbye Father Maureen Green
Impact of Separation Jan Pryor Victoria University Wellington
In the interests of the children
In the name of the fathers Susan Crean
Joint Custody and Shared Parenting Jay Folberg
kids stay in one house and the parents move in and out
Parenting without Custody Anne McMurray
Parenting without punishment Making problem behaviour work for you
Parents Handbook Step
Parents in pain
Role of Fathers in Shared Parenting Johanna Roeber
Separation and Divorce by Jan Pryor
Separation and Divorce by Jan Pryor
Shared Parenting MichaelGreen JillBurret
Stop Fighting Over The Kids Mike Mastracci
Structured Divorce Mediation Settlement
The Single Father Ermin A Brott
Understanding Challenges of Family Life CoParenting by James McHale
Whats wrong with daycare Charles Siegel

Stepparenting

Stepfamily Realities Margaret Newman
Stepparents by Jan Rodwell
ProfessorClaireCartwright has also published research in this area

These papers or books are fairly easily available in libraries or from internet. I hope that this can help clarify the skill differences, why they are important for both adults and children and lead us to approach these issues constructively.
Best regards, MurrayBacon – relentless axe murderer….

One Response to “Separated or Together Parenting”

  1. MurrayBacon says:

    I have discussed skills required, for the various scenarios of parenting. To identify these skills, the best place to start, is to look at the dynamics and scenarios that cause problems for people trapped into each type of parenting. Down Under has listed the most important, under the thread about Triple P Parenting:

    Down Under says:
    http://menz.org.nz/2012/triple-p-parenting-or-pet/#comment-730038
    Wed 21st March 2012 at 10:36 am
    I am assuming we are making a distinction here between solo and separated. Being a solo parent without interaction with another parent, or interaction with a prospective step parent, would be very different to being a parent as a separated Dad. That course would need to include issues like how to deal with mothers
    who have mental health issues.
    who haven’t bonded with their children.
    who feel threatened by Dads parenting skills.
    who attempt to alienate the Dad.
    who use children as a weapon.
    who use children as a spy.
    who still expect to control the Dad.
    who expect Dad to remain single even though they don’t.
    The above list is far from complete and one could image the extent and complexity of this task as compared to the solo parent.
    Thanks, MurrayBacon.

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