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Sun 18th May 2014

Parental jealousy exposed?

Filed under: Domestic Violence,Gender Politics — MurrayBacon @ 10:00 pm

DailyMail – MailOnline
Boy, 10, beaten black and blue by wicked stepmother becomes poster boy for anti-domestic violence campaigners in China

Schoolboy Bin Bin tells teacher how his stepmother ‘beats me all the time’
Ten-year-old asked to show injuries as he was in pain whenever he moved
His body was covered head to toe in bruises and lacerations from beatings
Stepmother said to be jealous of youngster’s relationship with his father
The domestic abuse case has sparked outrage on the Chinese internet
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Although the step-mother issue is raised in the story above, jealousy is sometimes an issue with mothers too.

Skilled mothers, the majority, are rarely jealous of the father’s relationship with the children. However, poorer skilled mothers may be quite jealous of the children’s relationship with the father. This may be covered over with any number of distractors, such a arrogance, anger, alienation.

In my opinion, this dynamic is a lot more common than many separated fathers realise.

Consider this and look carefully at what is going on?
When this was suggested to me, I dismissed the idea. As a bit of time went on, the idea seemed to become more plausible, alas.
Look at whether taking care of the children is a pleasure, or hard work? Hard work suggests a bit of a lack of the necessary skills.

6 Responses to “Parental jealousy exposed?”

  1. Julie says:

    Murray, who [do you know that] beats their children because they are jealous of the father’s relationship with the children? Do you at least know of one mother? I’m sure you do, so tell me about her or them.

    I’ve never seen this personally or heard of it though I know step parents may not treat the children as if they were their own.

    Anyways, how funnee China decided to use an abusive STEP mother for parental child abuse. I wonder what’s behind that.

    ………….

    As for skilled mothers, haha, funnee. At the moment the skill cyf wants is a job. You are a good parent if you work and we’ll take your kids if you don’t. Every government sets their own bar.

  2. MurrayBacon says:

    Dear Julie,

    This may be covered over with any number of distractors, such a arrogance, anger, alienation.

    In my experience, it was more anger and alienation and not beating. (That was my job, because she wanted the children to love her more?)

    Parenting skills are not shared out, in a fair way. On the contrary, the ability to learn body language is developed in a child, by large amounts of caregiver (mainly mothers) attention in the first 12 months. If a baby has not been given playful and responsive attention, then it will be much more difficult for them to learn these skills later on. So babies who were not given such attention, will later find it slower and much more difficult to learn to read body language – of other adults or of their own baby.

    Nobody can blame a baby, for what their caregiver did not give them, when they were too young to complain clearly, too young to even talk. However, this legacy may make difficulties when they later are caring for a child, as the father or mother.

    If they experience difficulties to respond to their new baby, blame won’t help one bit, it is support and a degree of monitoring that is required. Difficulties often lead to frustration and dissatisfaction. Thus a caregiver who does not seem to be enjoying the job, quite possibly needs support and help.

    Brainwave Trust

    Equally, they would be the last person that should be left alone for long periods of time with the baby or children, if there was to be a separation.

    When poorly skilled parents are left alone with children for long periods and snap under frustration, I suggest that society should be taking much of the responsibility, for leaving an adult out of their depth.

    Yet, isn’t this just what the familycaught$ do so often?

  3. Vman says:

    There is no question, my ex was jealous of my parenting and the close and warm relationship I had with the children and so prevented them from continuing a relationship with me, their father. I am sure it is a factor in many other cases. The mother doesn’t have to beat the children to create even more long term damage to them.

  4. MurrayBacon says:

    Recognising and responding to child neglect in New Zealand
    This report was prepared by Jennifer Martin, Kathy Fielding and Debra Taylor.
    MSD December 2010

    Different types of neglect were observed by those interviewed. Physical neglect, which was seen as
    being easier to recognise than other neglect types, was commonly defined as a failure to provide the
    necessary food, shelter and clothing. Emotional neglect was seen as failure to meet a child’s
    emotional needs and this was often talked about in connection to issues of attachment. Emotional
    neglect was viewed as being more subtle and hidden and therefore less easy to observe or detect,
    compared to physical neglect.
    Other types of neglect such as health, social and educational neglect
    were identified by a few interviewees, from those in the health sector or working closely with the health
    sector.

    Although this report shows some awareness of emotional neglect and the difficulty to reliably detect it, the report is weak on the consequences and the difficulty to treat adequately.

    I guess this report reflects why CYFs appear to be fairly ineffective. They don’t understand that their greatest adversary lies in the injury which has no bruises or physical indicators. They don’t know how to respond to this dark horse.

    It is a problem with very, very slow cure. Slow also means expensive and lots of ongoing suffering.

    The only way to effectively protect children, is to not allow the problem to occur in the first place.

  5. MurrayBacon says:

    K says:

    I have been through a hell of a time with my only son when he was younger… 3 to 7. In short, my ex (male) asked if he could look after my son whilst I study, well, things fell off the wagon with me, I found a new partner and lived a party life, immersing myself in study and partying… not worrying about anything else. When my ex found another partner, I was wrapped for him, truly wrapped. However, his new partner was a horrible lady. She managed to manipulate things between him and I to the point where Court proceedings ensued, I underwent parenting programs, counseling and finally, supervised access at a day care. Even though, I have no police record and evidence from family and friends of my good character, I was accused of abusing my child by affidavits written and in support of a woman who I had only met at my mother’s house once. It was 4 years of hell, periods of weeks and months went by without me seeing my son and $45,000 later, the matter came before a Judge who was a complete bitch. In the end, my son’s lawyer helped me out in Court and the bloody matter, after years, I was allowed to have my son overnight and without supervision… to add salt to the wound, throughout this whole period, I had to pay child support without seeing my son. Even though the Judge was a bitch, she did caution my ex that because there was nothing to back his allegations up and the evidence I brought was substantial, if he were to bring the matter to court again, his rights to day-to-day care would be reduced.

    NOW, I am 35 years old and pregnant to another man after 14 years. It has taken me that long to trust people and I am loving it but… yes there is always a but, his ex is not letting him see his son because she knows that he has another woman (being me). It’s SO incredibly sad that a woman’s fury is usually over a grudge or jealousy. In this case, my man’s ex cannot let him go and has tried all things necessary, from telling him to look after his son at her place to asking for sex to get him back.

  6. MurrayBacon says:

    As one example of what emotional neglect of babies can achieve, see the judgement in the case Attorney General versus Prince Gardner.

    I suspect that this judgement may not convey the full degree of suffering of the child?

    Not having read the statement of claim, I suspect that it was framed in terms of neglect of the young child and teenager, as that is all that a person can later recall. (Also it reflects that lack of knowledge by legal workers, about protecting young children from neglect and the consequences of failing to protect children from neglect. Lack of knowledge – synonym – incompetent.)

    However, research through the last 30 years has tended to show that the issues that are hardest to turn around, are those that occurred in the first 12 to 18 months. These are not able to be directly recalled as an adult, which makes them so much harder to treat effectively.

    Adoptions have great risk for babies, as it is very easy for the baby’s emotional needs to not be met, when the organisation caring for the baby waiting to be adopted, is under financial stress.

    Not well said – it is impossible for an organisation to take satisfactory care of a baby, when the organisation:

    – doesn’t know the extent of a baby’s need for development of natural attachment bonds,
    – doesn’t understand that proper brain development requires generous responding to the baby’s communications and
    -doesn’t understand that these can never be met when a few nurses are providing little more than physical care for the babies.

    Thus the vast majority of adopted children in NZ, have suffered serious impact to their babyhood brain development. This usually has significant affect on their adult relationships, ability to learn to read body language and particularly on their ability to care for a baby or toddler (especially on their own).

    Notwithstanding this early harm, many adoptive parents parent sufficiently well, to largely overcome the damage done through the adopting process. All the more credit to these adopting parents. They can never know how much harm their “new” baby might have suffered, while waiting patiently for adoption.

    This is why adopted mothers will generally require more assistance with mothering, especially with their first born. This used to be more commonplace, with Karitane nurse assistance and’or extensive family support for the first few months. To some extent, pride has become a barrier to such assistance, especially by the mothers who do need it the most.

    Help needs to be given, where it might be helpful, as when the need is apparent, it is far, far too late for the children.

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