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Wed 3rd March 2010

On the lighter side…

Filed under: General — Vman @ 5:18 pm

At the salon, I overheard the receptionist admit to another woman, “I haven’t taken my vitamins today. I’m walking around unprotected.”

The woman commiserated with her. “I haven’t taken my Prozac today–everyone’s walking around unprotected.”

17 Responses to “On the lighter side…”

  1. gwallan says:

    Funny.

    Speaking as one personally acquainted with prozac and it’s siblings the second woman has it arse about.

    Funny nevertheless.

  2. Dave says:

    Looking down the stairs at a football game, a fan spots an open seat on the half way line. He asks the man sitting next to it if the seat is taken.

    “No,” he replies. “I used to take my wife to all the games, but ever since she passed away, I’ve gone alone.”

    “Why don’t you invite a friend?”

    “I can’t. They’re all at the funeral.”

  3. Dave says:

    My mother taught for 11 years at a day-care center. One winter afternoon she was trying to show a young boy how to zip up his coat. “The secret,” Mom said, “is to get this piece of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up.”

    After struggling with the zipper for several minutes, the boy sighed and said, “Why does it have to be a secret?”

  4. SicKofNZ says:

    A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

    Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.

    Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.

    So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’

    The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’

    ‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.

    ‘Nope, sure ain’t,’ said the man.

    Don’t you realize I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.

    ‘Don’t doubt it for a minute, ‘ returned the old man, in an even tone.

    ‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.

    ‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.

    ‘And you’re still not afraid?’ asked Satan.

    ‘Nope,’ said the old man.

    More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘ Why aren’t you afraid of me?’

    The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 48 years.’

  5. SicKofNZ says:

    One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
    cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

    Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

    She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
    and begins to read her book.

    The peace and solitude are magnificent.

    Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat..

    He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’

    ‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’)

    ‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her.

    ‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.’

    ‘Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
    For all I know you could start at any moment.
    I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

    ‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,’ says the woman.

    ‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the Game Warden.

    ‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment.
    For all I know you could start at any moment.’

    ‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.

  6. ford says:

    i was on an nz website message board awhile ago…someone started a thread about anti-depressants etc…the amount of women that had indept knowledge on pills and medication was unbelievable…they knew more than the local dispensary…named shit id never heard of…comparing dosages etc…manipulating assholes on meds

  7. julie says:

    A male, an engineer at an aircraft company, worked for a woman supervisor. An active member of women’s lib groups, she often showed up at work wearing badges featuring feminist slogans.

    One day, her latest badge, “Adam was a rough draft”, proved to be too much for him. The next day, he showed up at work sporting his own badge: “Eve was no prime rib”.

  8. Skeptik says:

    Why did the feminist bury her husband 6 metres underground when he died?
    Because she thought deep down he was a nice guy!

    How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    14.
    One to hold the bulb, one to hold the stepladder and twelve to form a support group!

  9. Scott B says:

    hahahaha sums life in NZ up quite nicely!

  10. noconfidence says:

    A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.

    A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

    Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already!”

    …..Nice to have a light hearted thread every so often. Good on you Dave for doing this one.

  11. gwallan says:

    How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb:
    12.
    One to screw it in,
    one to excoriate men for creating the need for illumination,
    one to blame men for inventing such a faulty means of illumination,
    one to suggest the whole “screwing” bit to be too “rape-like”,
    one to deconstruct the lightbulb itself as being phallic,
    one to blame men for not changing the bulb,
    one to blame men for trying to change the bulb instead of letting a woman do it,
    one to blame men for creating a society that discourages women from changing light bulbs,
    one to blame men for creating a society where women change too many light bulbs,
    one to advocate that lightbulb changers should have wage parity with electricians,
    one to alert the media that women are now “out-lightbulbing” men,
    one to just sit there taking pictures for her blog for photo-evidence that men are unnecessary.

    From Christina Hoff Summers…

    How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Two. One to exclaim that the light-bulb has violated the socket, and the other to secretly wish that she was the socket.

  12. Hans Laven says:

    Very funny, and clever!

  13. Hans Laven says:

    A few deliciously cynical ones:

    Why do men die before their wives?
    – Because they want to.

    I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

    Why do women fake orgasms?
    – Because they think men care.

  14. Hans Laven says:

    Story in the news today. Not a joke, but amusing. (Not the tragic back story though which is not the target here.)

    “Dunedin police say the girl in a CCTV photo from Dunedin’s The Warehouse is not Britain’s missing four-year-old Madeleine McCann.” (NZ Herald today) Apparently, police had identified the girl and her unfortunate father whose photo has now been plastered all over the country as a likely felon.

    Warehouse employee Taryn Dryfhout was convinced she saw Madeleine and must have decided recently to alert the media that her sighting was covered up.

    “I can’t understand why Interpol didn’t come immediately. After all, the girl was blonde, a man was holding her hand and we know all men are rapists, and the shop I work in on the other side of the world is exactly where he might bring her, and when I confronted her about her name she said her name was Hayley, so obviously she must have been Madeleine.”

    On a more serious note though, imagine if a male had made similarly confident accusations against a female and caused her image to be published widely. I doubt the man would be getting a “courtesy call” from the police, more likely a protection order! Ah but in this case it’s only a man who is unjustly vilified, so who cares? There’s no need to consider the possible impact on him should he be innocent, and indeed the newspaper stories did not bother to mention it.

  15. SicKofNZ says:

    A SHORT LOVE STORY

    A man and a feminist who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the feminist saying,………. ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

    I have a better idea,‘ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.

    Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!‘, he exclaimed.

    Good,‘ she replied. ………….’Get your own f#%king blanket.

    After a moment of silence, ………………….he farted.

    The End

  16. Hans Laven says:

    FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

    1. It’s important to have a woman, who helps at home,
    Who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

    2. It’s important to have a woman, who can make you
    Laugh.

    3. It’s important to have a woman, who you can trust
    And who doesn’t lie to you.

    4. It’s important to have a woman, who is good in bed
    And who likes to be with you.

    5. It’s very, very important that these four women
    Do not know each other.

  17. John Dutchie says:

    Reply to Hans

    ………..L.M.A.O….!!!!…Brilliant…!!!

    Kind regards John Dutchie

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