A true menace from fiction: – Lies and malice down the years and generations.
I am reminded today that some lies and malice against us fifteen years ago is still unabated, and can still cause us harm. More-over, its having consequences upon subsequent generations. Sorry, it will seem long, although I really will try to be brief. I feel that so many must have horror stories, which remain hidden. By remaining hidden its as if they don’t exist, the true horror and damage of malicious fictions will never be acknowledged – but should be.
Fifteen years ago a solo mum accepted my invite to dinner. Her daughters were school friends of my two daughters. For my part, this was about the kids, and at an adult level, it was strictly platonic. I do not believe in exploiting kids school relationships to procure adult pleasures.
Much to my surprise, after the dinner the mother put my girls and hers to bed together. This put me in an unexpected awkward position. Then I got confronted with a hip wiggle; was told she had shaved her legs; and the question, “What do we do now”?
Having survived a false allegation in my family break-up proceedings, I was rather shy/cautious of women. More than that though, I already did not approve of all those kids in broken families having a procession of “Uncles” and “Aunties” foisted upon them by a sexually needy custodial parent. So even if I had been interested, I could not have them stay without my daughter’s being enthusiastic about it – and in fact neither me nor my daughters had opportunity to discuss it. More still, I had concerns about this mother because she seemed to hate being a woman, and also had nothing nice to say about the several ex’s of her past. And so I courteously rejected this advance. They left, her car screaming up the street. Clearly she was upset.
Looking back, I believe the above event is the first reason for what followed, but not the only one. As it turned out, I did got along with the woman’s mother, and she liked me. My girls liked her too – and indeed Grandma [my age] moved in with us.
The solo-mum, took a terrible attitude.
I soon discovered that collecting my girls from the school-bus, or escorting them to sell school fund-raiser tickets, was being put about as my stalking them. A policeman arrived and served me a trespass order. The story was that I had intruded and burgled a house, but I knew nothing of this. I was not charged and it seemed more to do with the particular constable doing favours than his job. Later on I eventually won the complaint against him.
I answered the door one evening. The mother’s eldest asked me for grandma’s key to her mums house. I never knew grandma had a key, but grandma handed it over. The story goes that I am supposed to have used that key for the burglary which actually is pure fiction.
The mum then put it about that I was a paedophile stalker, and soon after we had to flee while under threat of being shot. The girls were terrified. The cops treated the person making the threats as a victim, and were not even prepared to give us cover while we stuffed gear into the car and fled.
Very recently a person posted some extreme posts on this site under the handle “Nick”. I identify the same life threatening mindless hysteria in his contributions, as was present in the guy threatening us with a gun.
Grandma knew that none of the stories were true. Her daughter [the solo mum] had been caught out telling lies; and further was boasting of having reported me to CYPFS [on my birthday] ; the IRD; WINZ and so on. She was misusing every official avenue to cause us stress, and she hoped “Harm”. In fact none of these worked, although CYPFS did cause a lot of stress before it all blew over and they went away.
Grandma and I were both under attack, which forced grandma to take sides. Although her family was the other side – our attackers, the price of going with me would be permanent alienation. However, grandma knew for a fact that I/we are innocent of all the allegations, and felt unable to abide the lies and malice. Grandma continued with me; but not as my partner. She moved out during all this in a mistaken belief that her doing that would defuse the family hatred of me. Didn’t work.
Grandma and I are not partners now, but good friends who help out occasionally as friends do.
The mum, is now terminal with cancer, and there has been some softening of the tenseness between her and grandma.
But the Grand daughters are a different story. At a young impressionable age, they were poisoned against us by their Mum’s stories. It’s a great illustration as to how kids the world over come to believe even ridiculous nonsensical things, when at a young age, they are told its true by parents and the community they are immersed in.
The Granddaughters now have great grandchildren. Grandma is not permitted to see or know her great grandchildren. And of course, those great grandchildren will learn a fiction about their great grandmother. Now I contend that amounts to child abuse, even if it isn’t obvious at the time. Those kids have a RIGHT to know great grandma, and to know the truth. They are as innocent as we are.
And so you see the horror continues unabated down the ages; this even though the story has no basis in fact.
Would the grandchildren now believe the truth, even if their mum confessed to her lies and malice? – I doubt it – But I’m not holding my breath. We can always hope for a death-bed confession. But even if that happened, I suspect the story has been considered true for so long, they are unlikely to be willing to modify their view.
This came up to me from Grandma yesterday. She had assumed that the family alienations were easing, and had requested the eldest granddaughter’s address so she could post christmas presents. She got a sharp response which tells us both that after fifteen years this still is a danger to us.
So to cap off. Those lies will utterly pervert the family history the new generations will be told is true. Our world is full of nonsense posing as true history.
Who is deserving of most pitty? – Us? – them? – the community? – justice? – People like “Nick”? -subsequent generations?………
How can any travesty like this be undone?
Why is it okay for people to lie and perjure free from having to take responsibility for the damage done?
Grandma read and approved this before being posted on MENZ. Those relatives in question would recognise themselves in this account, while finding the truth rather different to what they think they know.
The old saying: “Hell hath no fury …” springs to mind. “… a solo mum accepted my invite to dinner” was perhaps your greatest mistake. Unless you have actually started a relationship it would be safer for both solo parents and their kids to eat at McDonald’s or somewhere neutral.
Comment by JONO — Sun 6th December 2015 @ 2:50 pm
I did say that was the brief version above.
I put this item up, in order to provoke thought on these kinds of issues. Although this could still menace us, I think we can control it – the risk is low for that reason.
In Palmerston North, police are publishing stories of domestic violence statements. no doubt female dominated victim statements.
Although Police were involved in this and it poison keeps on giving and giving – they could not be interested – they are gender biased.
That dinner was something I had to do. You see kids like “sleep-overs”, but after the previous false allegations, I felt unable to hold sleep-overs, or anything without their adult present.
One thing I think this shows, is how women stereotype males. I guess she was convinced that wiggling her hips etc was enough that nature would suspend my brain and compel me to take her to bed. I would be incapable of controlling myself. She was wrong.
But also, I reckon that had we gone to bed, then she would have woken in the morning assuming she was now the “lady of my household”, and as a woman would have power over me and my girls.
Comment by Equality — Sun 6th December 2015 @ 3:22 pm
Hi equality, Thanks for sharing your story, an example of how false accusations just never seem to go away.
Accused of child abuse, theft and stalking, having to flee from threats, no support from police to protect you, it must have been extremely harrowing. I’ve heard worse stories but that doesn’t comfort you after what you’ve been through. I wonder if you might be better off if you had been charged by police you might have had the chance to prove your innocence. (might’ve)
I came to this site after being accused of violence to a pregnant woman which is horrific enough and it made me extremely sympathetic those men who have been falsely accused of child abuse or rape etc. These crimes are usually considered worse than violence somehow but I’m not sure I agree with this, I expect unless you’d been a victim of everything, you can only go by your personal experience.
Yet I imagine that the feeling of being falsely accused is the same for many of us, exasperated by the nature of the accusation, the prejudgment of others, the result of the accusation and the inability to prove your innocence. Then, as in your case, the difficulty convincing others even many years later, people (especially women) are more comfortable believing an unlikely story about a bad man than they are accepting that a member of their own family is a vindictive nasty liar without remorse or the ability to feel empathy.
This site was about the only place I was seemingly presumed to be not guilty when I had been charged with violence against a female after being attacked. It was a relief.
The other place where I found support was on a forum discussing borderline personality disorder which is what my accusers primary issue is. It sounds like your accuser may have the same problem.
I cant help with resolving your accusation or anyone else’s but if you google BPD distortion campaign and click on the link by angiemedia – theres four pages which gave me understanding of the monster that had accused me.
Also there’s lots of advice online for family members of bpd’s which may or may not be of benefit to your accusers children someday . Just a thought. Nice to hear you still have support from the grandmother and I congratulate you for remaining a capable dad through all of this.
As for the question of why is it ok that people can lie about others without consequence.
About two and a half thousand years ago when the first 256 laws were inscribed on tablet and put in the town square by king Humumbri, the first three of these laws dealt specifically with appropriate penalties for making false accusations. Nowadays false accusers are encouraged and rewarded, given name suppression and treated as victims even when they’re known to be frauds.
Lawyers and judges make money regardless so the more accusations the better.
Those falsely accused are not considered victims, instead they are referred to as collateral damage.
Perhaps its because if false accusers were held accountable, police prosecutors would be required to produce some evidence that relates to their charges and replaced when found to have been dishonest.
Comment by voices back from the bush — Sun 6th December 2015 @ 3:55 pm
Thanks “voices back from the bush”. That’s the problem with being brief, one always has to fill in detail later. As it turns out the first allegations were non-specific and delivered to the court using innuendo and language code. For example – CYPs wrote in an affidavit “we have concerns of the father being around young children!”. In today’s lingo, that equals paedophile, but of course without saying so. The first allegations went away and I was found innocent in court. Got some costs back too.
In my posted story, the solo mum shot herself down. It was shown that she was going around boasting that she had dealt to me and her mum in these ways. It was by design that her complaint was lodged on my birthday. Then her story kept changing, and finally she watered it down so much CYPs saw through her.
But I wrote this to highlight issues, such as sometimes satisfying our passion for comfort etc comes with too high a price.
I’ve no doubt that had I bedded that solo mum, she would have dominated my family from the moment she woke the following morning.
my loyalty was to my girls.
Attempts have been made at counselling me. I get told I “Need to move on!” and “Take responsibility for my past!”. As soon as I hear those things, I know I’m wasting my time with an imbecile. Moving on is impossible so long as it keeps coming up in our present lives. As for responsibility taking – none identify where I failed to take responsibility.
Comment by Equality — Sun 6th December 2015 @ 5:07 pm
I see. During a protection order against me that I defended I was given a piece of paper written by some woman named only sally who is employed by battered woman trust. The letter said that sally could testify to my accusers honesty and that her life was In danger.
It didn’t say I was potentially a murderer but whats the difference – the assertion is the same thing.
And I am Told that I shouldn’t be bitter. Therefore I am alone with my frustration and anger.
It seems that Collateral damage and its effects are accepted as fair and so is making horrible assumptions about a person that are based on nothing more than predetermined assumptions. You did well to get through to where you are now. Keep strong and best wishes.
Comment by voices back from the bush — Sun 6th December 2015 @ 5:22 pm
Quote voices back from the bush “And I am Told that I shouldn’t be bitter. Therefore I am alone with my frustration and anger”.
This is one of the ridiculous instances which high light how stupid they are. I contend that despite our technology, as people, we are the same as our primal forebears who climbed down from the trees to roam the savannah. To feel bitter is a normal and natural response to injustice. I bet the same prejudiced imbecile would also tell you to “move-on” and “take responsibility”.
Go ahead, you don’t need anyone’s permission to feel and own your emotions.
I have, and it has established me as a contrarian.
Comment by Equality — Sun 6th December 2015 @ 6:06 pm
Thanks for sharing your story. We had a similar situation with false allegations against us in order to prevent contact with the kids. We refused to take it lying down and took her to court for defamation at the same time as our family court case. In March 2015 we won 50:50 shared custody in spite of her staunch refusal to allow equally shared care. And then in August 2015 we won our defamation case against her for her false allegations.
In our experience we found you have to set clear boundaries for the crazy people in your life. Especially when you have to deal with them regularly. Consistency and boundaries are the key. We said we would not allow her to lie about us to people and we took action (defamation case) to ensure she knew it was not acceptable and to stop it from continuing. She now knows her BS will get her in serious trouble and we have a court order stating she has been lying in order to better her chances of getting custody. It cost a fortune, but it was worth every penny.
Comment by We did it! — Mon 7th December 2015 @ 9:51 am
I’m envious that you afforded the defamation case. I need to win power-ball before I could contemplate it. But the principal accuser being female with terminal cancer, I’m sure suing her would get me no votes. But this is just one true story, of so many. I’m convinced there are so many others related to this site.
Comment by Equality — Mon 7th December 2015 @ 3:13 pm
I have similar experience having been denied all contact with my son and nobody ever told me why. Then my ex decided she didn’t want our child any more and he came to live with me, but was psychologically very damaged. My ex suggested we get back together and I politely declined so she told the new person I was having a relationship with that I would be a pedophile rapist.
My son said he did not want this new partner in our lives, and so I decided to put him first. I broke off the relationship and I have been maligned, harassed, interrogated and persecuted ever since even after I sent my son back to live with his other parent.
I hated being a man, but last year I had a sex change, and I’m a really happy transgirl now. 🙂
Comment by Angelica Perduta — Mon 21st December 2015 @ 3:38 pm