Ms Kitteridge, head of NZ’s Security Intelligence Service (SIS), this week caused us all great anxiety by announcing that increasing numbers of NZ women are travelling to Iraq and Syria. The SIS apparently has become really concerned because the numbers involved are close to exceeding what can be counted on the fingers of both hands. Our SIS spies tend to get confused and lose count every time they go above 5 and have to change hands. They tried starting with the other hand but it didn’t help. They have no intention of disclosing their next strategy for discovering the right number because that’s on a strictly need-to-know basis. When the SIS completes that numerical calculation it will try to get more information on the women and their holiday plans. Ms Ketteridge doesn’t know whether they are travelling to find romance, for thrill-seeking in the range of adventure sports over there, or simply to enjoy some of their hosts’ theatrical shows and film industry.

It’s unclear why the matter is seen as worthy of so much time and effort. Both the SIS and the government know from research by White Ribbon experts that women never commit violence worth mentioning, so there’s no need to consider cancelling these women’s passports and they will be welcome back any time. Those women involved in the Paris and San Bernadino massacres recently were simply confused, having been told they would only be killing men as part of a growing international sport for women (that the NZ government is currently planning to promote).

The SIS isn’t able to give us any idea how many men are holidaying in Iraq and Syria. That number is so great that the SIS will need a substantial increase in funding to be able to count that far. And anyway, they’re only men so their passports can be cancelled and good riddance, serves them right for not choosing a NZ holiday destination.

Ms Kitteridge expressed some concern for the women’s own safety because ISIS tour guides are renown for failing to ensure their customers wear sunscreen in the hot climate. But the women travelling to Iraq and Syria tend to be quite careful in covering up so it would be surprising if that were a major source of Ms Kitteridge’s angst.

Of course, when these women return to NZ after their holiday they will again be exposed to our highly violent men and NZ’s patriarchal rape culture causing this to be the most dangerous country in the world for women according to a women’s group in Eketahuna, or was it Patea? Perhaps that was why Ms Kitteridge was so worried.

Peter Dunne thinks Ms Kitteridge is softening up NZ for the outcome of a current review into what powers the SIS should have. She knows that NZers will deeply miss these women once it becomes known they have left for their holiday, so nobody will object next year when the government gives the SIS much expanded powers to snoop on us all. Peter Dunne might be on to something there.

However, we think the most likely explanation for Ms Kitteridge’s concern is that when the women return they might confuse the names SIS with ISIS, with the risk of spreading a rumour that NZ spies aren’t careful about using sunscreen.