Is it worth it fighting for my children.
Been separated for 9 months now with a 5 and 9 year old and fighting for shared custody. I have picked away and gained a 40:60 split interim parenting order so far – wasn’t cheap going to court to get that. Now going for the full order. I have always made it clear from the start I want 50:50 and believe this to be in the best interests of the children who are happy in both houses – and it seems logical and fair – and i work from home so am always there even if they are not at school. Today at a settlement conference the judge basically tore me to shreds saying “it makes you look controlling if you want 50:50 as it gives you a change to take control” – (yes I or my lawyer have no idea what SHE was going on about either) and “you’d be wasting your time trying for 50:50 at a final hearing. Is this normal? I’d kinda assumed only my ex’s lawyer was so spiteful. Is it worth me fighting for 50:50 shared care or am I simply wasting my time and money.
You fucking damn right you want 50/50 and tell that [Mod: expletive deleted] of a judge to recuse, (remove) himself!
DO NOT go full custody unless there is parental alienation or neglect.
NEXT>>>> Ask that the proceedings be recorded and that you receive a copy, if not you will file in the high court!
I did this and I got 50/50 after 6.5 hours on the stand in 2009 and 138 pages of recordings.
I am back in court on a P.O and haven’t seen her in 3 years. 4th P.O. on me and this won’t stick either as she didn’t turn up to last one? Below is the real reason why and not because she lives in fear. Courts hate factual documents being made public
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdZIdg4dDLc
Its bloody hard but my son who is nearly 14 and can tell the courts who he wants to live with.
Hang in there buddy! Just tell your kids you love them and don’t manipulate them okay and you will be their shinning light!
Her lawyer don’t give a shit about her, she is interested in the prospects of FUTURE revenue streams from her and they will mislead to obtain revenue, my de facto has spent $58,000 trying to take away my son.
Broke me, lost my house, business but I tell you my son and I are stronger than ever!
Believe in your self then seek support and IF you can dump lawyer and self represent, why?
Because the JUDGE cannot manipulate the deponent (you) where as with a lawyer the JUDGE can circumvent you because you have representation and believe me some of them suck cock to advance there own careers in favour of the judges ruling.
Don’t believe me: I had a lawyer Zandra Wakenier who illegally allowed in chambers ( that’s with only lawyers and a judge) place a temporary P.O. without my consent because she was new to the system and L 4 child ( Simon Mitchell) a closet homo sexual and a stooge of HELEN CLARKE
http://menz.org.nz/2007/simon-mitchell/
So when I found out I asked if we could go over the files at her office
When she brought them at her office I FIRED HER and walked out with the complete case and didn’t pay her a cent! She couldn’t do a bloody thing because I could have done her for misleading representation in the High Court and her reputation would have been fucked!
I self represent, because I have too.
Comment by Buster — Wed 22nd February 2017 @ 6:06 am
Judge was Judge Catriona Doyle.
Apparently she is a new appointee to Nelson from Timaru.
My lawyer said….
The settlement conference was poorly conducted by the Judge, who is a very recent appointment from Timaru. She made character judgements (about you both) which I thought were inappropriate given we were in a mediation conference. There was no mediation as such, just her imposing her views. A poor judge. You should make a complaint.
Comment by kbnz1 — Wed 22nd February 2017 @ 10:56 am
You answered your own question when you said “I have always made it clear from the start I want 50:50 and believe this to be in the best interests of the children who are happy in both houses – and it seems logical and fair.”
Feel free to email me at [email protected] if you want a hand.
Frank
Comment by caughtincourt — Wed 22nd February 2017 @ 12:36 pm
Nothing fucking changes in 35 years.
Reforms = lipstick on the same old pig.
Comment by Simon grant — Thu 23rd February 2017 @ 12:11 am
The problem is with those parents who harbour spite, or consider children property or leverage. Neither is in the child’s best interests. Unless there is some really persuasive and proven reason to limit your children’s access to you, then it should not be a problem for them to see you, and for you to have a real position in their lives, the decisions which effect them. In short, for me its a sign that some parent is immature, that this kind of situation can arise. And yet it arises so often. It causes pain and alienation which keeps on giving and giving. Who with the children’s best interests at heart would want that for them? So in my view any parent who strangles the relationship of the children with the other parent, without proof of something serious – would themselves be unfit to have custody. Thats not to say you are likely to win – it might be all you achieve is your self respect.
Comment by Jerry — Thu 23rd February 2017 @ 5:37 pm
AANZ……..When I separated AMICABLY – the ONLY thing I asked for was that my ex NEVER stopped me seeing my child – to which she AGREED. She was well supported in property settlements and cash in the bank and was always paid the MAXIMUMS and MORE in Child Support and other payments to sustain the child.
I applied for SHARED CARE – Joint Custody Orders – at the Family court on the 22/12/2003
What followed was Horrific, and totally unnecessary. The LAWYERS and the FAMILY COURT stimulated the CONFLICT that was to continue over SEVEN ( 7 ) YEARS ….impoverishing me, destroying my career and refusing on every level to actually CARE for the CHILD – who was exposed to Identified serious psychological harm by a Court appointed independent Expert WITNESS – the Psychologist – caused by the MOTHER in Parental Alienation.
I was provoked on many levels to react and engage in CONFLICT, I received endless false accusations that I was VIOLENT, THREATENING, CONTROLLING, INTIMIDATING, and ABUSIVE.
There were attempts to get Protection Orders and Violence Orders against me, and to restrict my time with my child to supervised visits only.
This all on the back of NO EVIDENCE – NOT a SHRED of EVIDENCE to substantiate any of these claims.
My enquiries and complaints to Government, Family court, Human Rights, Ombudsman, Police and Justice Ministers have always fallen on Deaf ears with constant DENIALS.
LAWYERS for CHILD – sought to restrict my time with my child on every level.
I have since been through the file and discovered hard evidence of LAWYER for CHILD – LYING to the Courts, Suppressing evidence, interfering with the Crown Expert Witness and getting her to change her testimony so that the Mothers MENTAL HEALTH Concerns – which were directly affecting and Harming the child – were covered up.
These are offences against the Crimes ACT = Perverting the Courts of Justice, interfering with Witnesses and Suppressing evidence – and yet the Police see no Criminal concern to investigate.
Breaching parenting orders – as the mother has done consistently over 14 years – is an offence – but again our Police will not PROSECUTE.
I received information that the LAWYERS for CHILD were PAID well on the Legal Aid system to ENSURE DADS never got to spend QUALITY time with their kids – and I have now proven = with Evidence that this was in FACT THE CASE………it was the LAWYER for CHILD who acted at every turn to cover up the HARM and the CAUSE to my CHILD.
The child was harmed – for that can not be denied – for the Court Appointed Psychologist confirmed this and stated the cause = and yet NO ONE engaged in the CARE and PROTECTION of the CHILD did a thing to PROTECT here from that HARM – despite my many affidavits and evidence to the courts – then confirmed by the Courts own appointed EXPERT WITNESS.
I list all this here so you are aware as to what you are up against if you decide to contest CARE – Making money out of HARMING KIDS – or allowing them to be harmed is a great BUSINESS -and sadly many of those in the CARE business do not want this HARM to STOP.
Why else would they NEVER intervene and STOP a CHILD from BEING HARMED??????
I submitted 34 ( ThIRTY FOUR ) Pleadings to the Family court from 2003 till 2010 7 Years.
Council for Child Submitted 10 pleadings and none of them sought care of the child from HARM.
There were 35 Orders and or Decisions made by the Family Court and against NOT ONE looks to protect the Child from KNOWN and IDENTIFIED HARM to the CHILD.
Good LUCK……..the system is against you from day one – there is too much money to be made in deliberately creating vulnerable and damaged children.
Comment by hornet — Fri 24th February 2017 @ 11:29 am
PS, Error = obviously it was NOT the Psychologist who caused the HARM – it was the MOTHER…..
“Child who was exposed to Identified serious psychological harm – ….IDENTIFIED….. by a Court appointed independent Expert WITNESS – the Psychologist – as caused by the MOTHER in Parental Alienation.”
Comment by hornet — Fri 24th February 2017 @ 11:36 am
Hornet @6: Sounds like an example which fits what I wrote.
Judging it on what you wrote, your ex would be unfit to have even 50% custody. But “harm” isn’t just physical. My experience is that emotional harm, and also estrangement/alienation from extended family is also harm. Sadly this keeps on giving for ever. Ferwe cards and presents at xmas. No complete family get-togethers and then there is back-stabbing arising from those who are emotionally driven rather than factually informed. In my view, if parents cannot live with eachother, they both need to work tirelessly towards eliminating the difficulties the seperation creates for the children. Rules of both households should match. I never found out how to shelter the kids – but I did my best and still do.
Comment by Jerry — Fri 24th February 2017 @ 12:17 pm
Well said guys
Just goes to show how endemic it is! So if you give up your rights to access or custody and then roll over to a P.O. then you DESERVE everything you get! Period.
Comment by brent — Fri 24th February 2017 @ 12:37 pm
Jerry, ,thanks for the comments – I have NEVER given up on my daughter – the sad point in all this, is that you go to an agency seeking HELP and asking for your child to be PROTECTED and NOTHING is DONE.
I was trying for Full custody given the 7 years of hell and once the court psychologist came on board confirming all I was saying – the next hurdle which resulted in us walking away was the CORRUPTION of PROCESS by mothers lawyer and the Lawyer for Child – and also the fact that the mother was then given the change to contest the independent evidence of the court appointed expert – it looking at going on for perhaps years…..so we walked away….my wife and I just could never see justice coming once we realised the corrupted system we were dealing with…..
And yes you are also correct – grandparents rights to see the child are NOT upheld, and we had Mail and correspondence, Christmas and Birthdays and family events with the child’s Sister missed in the process……
The point I want you all to understand – is the game is rigged, the system is designed to destroy both you and the child – for PROFIT……..that is the concern we must all see clearly and ask questions of.
I simple request for JOINT Custody – Parenting order should have resulted in just that – TWO PARENTS sharing time with their child. But the system never wanted allow that………
We have a massive problem with Domestic Violence in this nation – and much of it is caused by Dads ( and Some MOMS ) having their rights to see their own child deliberately restricted by the state. And when they take the law into their own hands – they fall into the trap that was set for them…..the system wants you Destroyed, impoverished, violent and Criminal – with no CREDIBILITY…….
My daughter is NOW 16 years of age, and is rightly asking many questions – I have told her to take a case against the State for damages and permitting her to be harmed – for she is now a VICTIM of this Criminal System.
I am sure we will see many more kids coming of age and demanding answers …….as another generation of kids abused by the state start asking the same questions……..this is criminal and it needs to be exposed…..
Brent – No Human DESERVES to be treated like this – when they seek HELP – from a system offering help and and legally obligated to PROTECT CHILDREN at LAW.
Comment by hornet — Fri 24th February 2017 @ 2:57 pm
hornet @ 10: You have a good understanding of how it all works. Sadly I think we all share your analysis. I decided its political in that regardless of the facts the outcome is pre-determined. Pots of funding gold are involved, and power for those who want to build their empires {and of course their salaries} CYFs for just one example. But what counts is your relationship with your new family and your daughter. Its all rigged – odds are terribly against you winning – and then how to define a “win”? I decided for me a win was to minimise harm – NB avoiding harm was impossible and not an option under my/your control.
Comment by Jerry — Fri 24th February 2017 @ 4:29 pm
Jerry exactly – that is why we walked away – it was very clear the system was NEVER going to help. While my daughter now asks…. WHY – I always tell her the TRUTH – for that is the only thing I can do.
The TRUTH will always prevail and will always destroy Corruption…….RATS HATE THE LIGHT…..
A word of ENCOURAGEMENT – NO CRIMINAL WANTS TO BE CAUGHT OR HELD TO ACCOUNT – and that is why these people DENY, DELAY and THEN DEPART when you put the TRUTH TORCH ON THEM – they RUN LIKE THE RATS THEY ARE………..
So for anyone wanting to understand how to beat this for the CHILDREN – SHINE THE TRUTH TORCH ON THE RATS – HOLD THEM TO ACCOUNT and they RUN………they RUN very FAST.
I have personally seen this happen as I have laid TRUTH in front of those currently trying to protect this scam – they will NEVER MAKE A DECISION – because then they can be held to account for wrongdoing and if they are forced to make a decision – they are then quickly removed from that office position, retired early or they resign – or just do a RUNNER….. so they never have to answer a QUESTION under OATH or IN PARLIAMENT.
Now you know why there is a WAR ON TRUTH – a WAR ON TORAH ….hence the World “TORAH RISTS” – because TRUTH TELLERS destroy EVIL………..they cant Burn you at the stake in this modern world, so they seek out more underhanded methods to try and silence you and hide the TRUTH.
I was labelled a TERRORIST – simply for telling the TRUTH….I was surveilled, character assassinated and there were attempts to Entrap me on criminal charges and put me in prison……and the age old accusations that I was mental were rolled out – I had to undergo Psychological testing to prove I was SANE ……..thats how desperate they are to stop the flood gates opening……….this scam has been going on for a long long time…….preying on the vulnerable – children being the most vulnerable……we are dealing with bullies – psychopaths being the worst kind of Bully because they pick on KIDS.
Cowards RUN from the TRUTH………seen anyone in Power RUN recently………..
Comment by hornet — Fri 24th February 2017 @ 5:37 pm
No Catriona Doyle is from Porirua in Wellington.
Many say the Porirua Family Court is a serious female fefdom.
You have a few choices.
Apply for shared care, (substantive hearing) this means your right to appeal is to the high court and you don’t need leave of the family court judge who made the directions you are appealing as you would with a submissions only hearing (good one eh)
This in itself may well make family court judges more concerned about their behaviour.
Represent yourself, or get a serious, lawyer who believes in his profession who will stand up to the judge in terms of the law being administered. There are a few, I know of one who was Recomended by a judge should I have more problems with the rouge C4C.
This is a judge to be respected (in my view) and she has gained the respect of many, including Allen Harvey who has seen many in his support role. I can provide the name of the lawyer if you have the means.
Comment by Simon grant — Fri 24th February 2017 @ 6:49 pm
Hornet @12: I know how it is all too well. I’m just further along the track than you are. I and my kids had some “dumb-luck” I guess, but we can never expect luck like that for everyone. All the same I still deal with consequences and it still hurts us all. I mentioned psychologocal/emotional damage and family alienation – my kids have no relationship left with either paternal or maternal extended families. Without me, they are alone. So although we are past legal action, the harm keeps on giving and giving. A constant stream of poison for us all except for the following:
I have no regrets. I still have self respect. I know I did all I could for the right reasons. I know that I did not yield to the temptation of revenge when I got custody. I have stayed loyal to family and myself. And while I could have obstructed my ex’s relationship, instead I facilitated it – so long as it could be safe for the kids. That built trust and has been positive in latter years.
So the others are quite right, take care you can have no regrets later.
Comment by Jerry — Sat 25th February 2017 @ 9:54 am
Consider this.
Pregnancy happens.
It happens because two people of opposite genders do the wild thing, neither of them taking a preventative option. (Most of which, incidentally, are available only to the woman.)
When that happens, (pregnancy,) it only happens to the woman.
Biology dictates that.
It is her that is pregnant.
There is, at this time, a potential mother. That is all. There is no potential father.
Woman’s body – woman’s choice.
She has the option of taking the pregnancy to term, or terminating.
Unilaterally.
Her sole choice.
At this time, genetic science plays no part. It is as if she magically happened to accidentally fall asleep under a stork flying overhead with a bundle in its beak, in a knotted nappy. If there was anyone else involved in making this pregnancy happen, they legally played no part, and legally have no rights, and no say, about the equal contribution they made, and the equal genetic responsibility for creating a new human being.
The XY chromosome contribution to the equation is of absolutely no consequence.
Until, that is, there is a delivery.
A birth.
The wonderful new life that is brought to the world, suddenly, magically and legally becomes the financial responsibility of the sperm donor, whether within a committed relationship, or not. Whether aware of it or not.
And a sperm donor is all you are.
Sperm donors tend to be male. Biology dictates that too.
So, during a pregnancy, there is no father, only a donor. One person has the sole right to determine the future or that human life – from conception to delivery. Whether to nurture the life, or whether to snuff it out.
One person.
A pregnant person.
The other, equally genetically significant half of the mix, no matter how committed to this new life, can only wait.
And if a child is a result, then your contribution to this new person, legally and simply is: – the contents of your wallet, your bank accounts, superannuation. That is all. If you are lucky, you may be able to say hello once in a while
Just be aware, when you are considering your options, that this is the world you live in.
But yes -it is absolutely worth fighting for them, and if you don’t, they will remember.
Comment by ornerybloke — Fri 3rd March 2017 @ 1:28 am
Jesus Ornery bloke that was a rant if I ever saw one Move onto relevant stuff mate
Comment by brent — Fri 3rd March 2017 @ 6:26 am
Hornet
keep walking, if you think its toooo tough mate , I been there 12 years and back on Tuesday to Family Court. GO PUBLIC What are you people afraid of???
My son is 13 and just wrote a letter to the judge telling him he wants to live with his dad full time. The JUDGE don’t stand a shit’s chance of denying him now.
DON’T GIVE UP on your kids because if you do it just goes to show you got no SPINE! Good Luck out there.
Comment by brent — Fri 3rd March 2017 @ 6:31 am
We all know the system is fucked!
But you know what. Like the Jews they can’t burn us all, so stand up and be counted. They did and they went through way more than we did you idiots!
Comment by brent — Fri 3rd March 2017 @ 6:33 am
Brent, please don’t make personal attacks like this on other commenters, or make judgements about the appropriateness of comments.. Argue with facts by all means, but rants are quite acceptable on MENZ unles they are abusive.
Comment by JohnPotter — Fri 3rd March 2017 @ 7:08 am
A well-written piece ornerybloke@15. It will go down in a future archive about gender politics in our era.
Comment by Man X Norton — Fri 3rd March 2017 @ 8:09 am
HI to poster. I think the idea that 50/50 is best for children is BULL. Seriously. Children need one home otherwise they are not children, they are backpackers. If your ex is unfit and you have concerns of parental alienation. Seriously do not compromise. . Do not play the game. Stand tall and act for them. Give them an inch they take a yard. Give them a yard, they take a mile of rope and will hang you by the balls for all to see and attach a runaway train to the other end. You loose and your kids loose. It is true that kids need contact with both parents and their extended families but it does not have to be 50/50. My humble opinion. I have been there for 12 years. Any agreement was breached – no enforcement. Every order was contravened – no enforcement. NADA – NOTHING why???? Because I keep thinking I am doing the right thing by my kids by supporting contact with their mother whom is not only a child kidnapper but an emotional and psychological abuser of first category – and guess what? with such a lengthy criminal record she writes psychologist reports for the courts. Had three Hague hearings to return them from overseas and even then as soon as they arrived, they were taken from me at the airport and given back to her as she made claims of violence. Every time she gets her foot in, my kids get enmeshed further in the family court. IF the system is FU%^&$#D, you do not have to play. You play you pay. Currently, apparently, my own daughter 16 has a lawyer and she wants to remove my guardianship rights so she can f@#$ off overseas. Of course this is with the mother support and Lawyer for Child MICHAEL BEVAN DODDS advice and support. I have gone from being a good loving parent to apparently being an abusive and controlling bastard she wants nothing to do with even telling me I am no longer her father. I am sad for her and I feel guilty for not protecting her better. The damage they do to your children is not worth the compromise. Fight for them now and keep them close or loose them forever. If anyone here can tell me how to go public by all means please let me know. Apologies I do not wish to hijack your thread. best regards
Comment by WrongGender — Sun 5th March 2017 @ 4:19 pm
Please forgive my me for being so blunt but I am being fed up with all the defeatists on this site. If you know what is best for your children, do not ask for anything less. Fight for them now or you will loose them forever. Many male rely on good will and walk backwards from fathers to babysitters and from baby sitters to strangers because they keep following advice from lawyers whom overall and in my own experience should not be allowed to have children or give advice about parenting. The lawyers I have met and dealt with in my own experience are vultures and no less. No heart just a great brain ready to compromise at a drop of a hat so they can feed off your sorrow. It is not moral vs immoral nor right vs wrong. NO! and God forbids they connect with their hearts. For them the only question that matter is “CAN I?” And if the legal answer is yes, no matter how unlawful; the path is made. The courts, the Judges and the Law as they know it is simply to do with property. 50/50 is for property or chattel after a relationship dispute. Children do not fit in that category. SO claim your rights now or loose them forever. Do not doubt yourself and do not listen to their advice. You are the parent not a bystander waiting to be allowed to parent your children. I have made many mistakes and yet I have followed all the right steps (as prescribed by my lawyer and lawyer for child). Follow your heart and shield it from doubt. Represent yourself and do not fear. GOOD LUCK!
Comment by WrongGender — Sun 5th March 2017 @ 4:47 pm
WrongGender: Yes, fair enough, if the other parent is unfit, dangerous or abusive then 50/50 isn’t a good idea and I don’t think anyone supportive of equal shared care would oppose an order of something different for the purposes of safety. However, allegations of danger or unfitness need to be supported by good evidence, probably beyond reasonable doubt.
With parents who are average and ok, i.e. most parents, 50/50 care has many advantages plus a few disadvantages. The research is pretty clear that it’s good for children on average.
Of course, the research is also clear that the best outcomes on average for children is when they are raised by both biological parents.
Comment by Man X Norton — Sun 5th March 2017 @ 7:44 pm
22,
Comment by Voices back from the bush — Mon 6th March 2017 @ 1:53 am
Hi MR Norton.
I hear you but thoroughly disagree with you.
Research is simply a keyword to state the obvious opposite of common sense.
And the person paying for the research has all to gain. (lobbyists – feminazis – …banks – governments…)
Lawyers promise 50/50 for as long as your funds do not run dry.
Judge giggle because 50/50 is the surest recipe for disaster. half of nothing is nothing. You will keep coming back before him and each time, the most you will get is 50/50. I have been there and I keep going back there though no fault of mine. So I know.
In fact 50/50 is parent oriented and not child focused and clearly and directly against the welfare of children.
In my experience, no child should ever be made to live in two homes. Under no circumstances. There should always be a primary caregiver and a stable home environment.
And not two.
This simply relies on their resilience skills but it does screw their coping mechanisms, leads to precocious teenager depression and increases the rates of teens and young adult suicide in New Zealand and overseas.
My humble opinion is not based on any research but simply my eyes and senses. As a rule I do not argue with people that throw dogma at you based on some fallacy they have mis-read and surely misunderstood.
Do you remember King Solo-man judge-Man when he threatened to split an infant in two with his sword because he could not tell which among the two claimants was the real mother of the child?
The effects of that was that the woman that agreed to splitting the infant 50/50 got her head chopped off. Same with us guys when we know best and follow dumb advice or believe in research against our own common sense.
Best regards
Comment by WrongGender — Mon 6th March 2017 @ 5:02 pm
WrongGender @25:
Common sense is a very poor way to determine relationships between events. To list just a few examples, common sense saw most people believing that witches were responsible for such things as diseases and bad weather, and that masturbation causes blindness, insanity and all manner of other illnesses. Research identified the transmission of germs and viruses as causing diseases, air pressure and other atmospheric factors as being responsible for weather, and showed us there was no causal or even a correlative relationship between masturbation and blindness etc.
Also, quite often research findings agree with common-sense beliefs, refuting your claim.
There’s simply no way without good research that you can know rates of ‘precocious teenager depression’ (whatever that means) or suicide and what factors increase or decrease these phenomena. You can have an idea about a possible causal factor but only careful counting, analysis of correlations and/or random controlled studies can provide good evidence for your idea.
This comes very close to rudeness towards other contributors here. Please debate the issue rather than make personal slights.
Comment by Man X Norton — Tue 7th March 2017 @ 6:16 pm
Man X,
Thank you for your reply.
First the examples of common sense you have given me are not of common sense. These are brainwashing tactics just as we discuss here. I could reuse your example to say that masturbation causes blindness – this is an influenced opinion, not common sense. Common sense in this case means he whom wishes to masturbate will do so and find that he did not become blind. Other examples you have given follow the same principles, these are dogma and based not on common sense but wilfull attempts by churches or governments to control their flocks by inspiring fear to deter them from certain behaviour.
I will not engage in re-defining common sense with you. But if your next point (research refutes your claims) relies on the examples you have given me and you beleive in your mind, that those examples you have provided have anything to do with common sense then I will respect your belief and leave your comment as is.
But if I was to simply ask you when has research confirmed that masturbation leads to blindness or that witches (to specify further – Evil Eye) can cause disease or such as you state, I would have to return to your answer which specifies research has contradicted those fallacies. And yet, mind you, the research you are referring to is medical and scientific and not the type of research we have been discussing which in this case is sociologic, psychologic or statistical. It might be best that we focus our discussion on specificities as opposed to generalities.
For your last comment about dogma, you are right about it being rude. But you might reconsider how you interpret my comment. I am simply stating I am not interested in people throwing research at me but I expect people to discus things based on their own empirical knowledge as opposed to jumping up and down and spouting out propaganda based fallacies which serve no one but to further entrench the promulgating of propaganda based ideologies which apparently are based on “research.”
AS far as precocious teenager depression, if you do not know what it means. look at teenagers around you. Teens are prone to depression ( what am I going to do with my life, everything has already been invented, how am I going to contribute to society? ) All these questions teenagers undergo often lead them to take a stance of rebellion and often rebellion is simply a symptom of depression ( I do not care – It is my life…. smoking – drugs…denial) which helps them redefine their identity against those of their parents and against society expectation of them in general….
Think about your own teen years and you will know what I mean….. My statements are simply suggesting that children in 50/50 relationship often grow faster and are prone to depression sooner that children in happy and healthy relationship with both parents.
Those that grow up faster and sooner without having developed the required coping mechanisms are likely at some stage to consider suicide.
Further I have been in a 50/50 regime and I have noticed it takes my children always two days to settle back into their home. That’s two days out of every week they are out of sort. They fight and bring with them all the shit from the other household. Then they have 5 days of good time. ANd then they pack their backpacks and return to the other household. If both households are shitty then they loose 4 days out of every two weeks or 8 days a month resettling. Multiply that by 12 and you got 96 days of every year lost to resilience… and this is a week on week off regime. Imagine a 2-5-5-2 regime or any shorter one…..
In my case I have found strategies to assist them and reduce the resettling time but not all parents know or can and often these parents compound the children’s unstability by having unreasonable expectations of the kids.
What I call common sense is what the majority of people have learned that work and is good for them and others vs what does not work or is true and is harmful to one and to others.
Being forced to compromise in a 50/50 and making the most of it does not count as common sense. It is a sponsored and imposed state of being whereby common sense dictates that a child focused approach be adopted no matter the circumstances.
Best regards
Comment by WrongGender — Thu 9th March 2017 @ 11:36 am
Hi there, I have just completed my 2 year custody battle in New Plymouth and as short as I can it turned out like this:
After a scrap that the ex started but I won, I was prosecuted for assault. At this point I had no rights to either my own property (owned by my trust, she had no involvement at all in it) nor my child. I purchased another property to live in while I waited for her to get out of my original one (a year later). I filed for 50/50 custody from the beginning through a lawyer, did my parenting course and waited for the system to act. About a year later lawyer for child got involved and had a couple of court sessions. At the same time I had filed for removal of the protection order that was in place. After 2 years the court threw out the protection order (pretty well realised that she was lying everywhere) and we had a settlement hearing with a judge. I had started 2 years previous with 2 nights/fortnight custody and this built to 5 nights/fortnight mostly due to the fact that my 10 year old girl continued to ask for more time with me. At the settlement conference this was increased to 6 nights/fortnight and 50/50 in school holidays (overall its a 44/66 split). At this point I agreed and signed it all up as it wasn’t worth fighting for the last few percent in a lottery called a hearing. Lawyer for child was pretty good along the way in that via her I was able to increase custody but she was also adamant that I would not get 50/50 as she felt it’s mostly skewed to what the child wants, particularly as they get older. I sacked my lawyer early in the process and self represented – I would absolutely recommend this as other than saving me a fortune there really isn’t a lot that a lawyer can add in regards to custody so long as you are intelligent enough to string a sentence together and are reasonably resourceful. Unbelievably although I had a female lawyer for child, female judge for both custody and PO battle and the ex and child also both female, I was the only male in the room and pretty well won everything but it took an unbelievable amount of patience. In those 2 years I had the police at my door at all hours arresting me for violating a protection order (smashed down a ranch slider in front of my daughter as I wouldn’t open the door while I was in the middle of telling them that the ex and I had consented to me being on the property that day) after which they subsequently returned me to the property and helped me board up the door while apologising albeit never paying for the repair. I was arrested and went to court 3 times for “violating a furniture order” which as it turned out wasn’t even a chargeable crime and was thrown out of court (I had removed a business printer from my trust property (1 of 3) and had a letter from the ex’s lawyer to say I could removed business items. Undoubtedly at any of these moments if I had fired up I would have been back in court and it would have been used against me in my custody battle. The bottom line is as a male you have to be 110% clean to stand a chance and even then the odds are really stacked against you but if your nose is clean and your children support a 50/50 arrangement then you are almost there.
Comment by Chris — Mon 20th March 2017 @ 5:48 pm
Chris (#28): Thanks for sharing your story here. Well done for your patience and sensible management of an often nonsensical system, and the great advice to others. You will have helped your daughter towards a good future.
Comment by Ministry of Men's Affairs — Mon 20th March 2017 @ 6:56 pm