Information Kit for People Experiencing Female Violence
“I never believed she’d abuse me.”
Violence and abuse within relationships is a CRIME
Female violence is: Any behaviour which is adopted by a woman to control you, which causes physical, sexual or psychological damage or causes you to live in fear. Physical and sexual violence are the most obvious forms of violence. Pushing, biting, hitting, punching and using a weapon are all forms of violence. Forcing you to participate in sex is violence. Threats are a form of violence.
Other forms of violence include:
- Unsafe driving
- destroying your possessions
- insulting or humiliating you publicly
- lying
- making you think you’re crazy or stupid
- controlling your money
- isolating you from friends or family
- hurting your children or pets
- blackmail
- treating you like a servant
- threatening murder or suicide
- drugging you
- threatening to betray secrets in front of employers or family
- creating a sense of impending punishment
Men often say these are the most insidious forms of violence and abuse because they are difficult to explain and are often regarded as “ordinary relationship problems.” You deserve to live and love free from violence. If you have been in a violent relationship, you may have some of these feelings:
- afraid to tell anyone depressed or humiliated
- afraid you have failed as a lover
- guilty about leaving her or scared of coping alone
- furious that she could do or say what she did
- confused because sometimes she is loving and kind
- guilty about leaving her
- frustrated and sad because you tried everything
- afraid of continued violence if you leave
- panicked that you may lose your male identity outside a relationship
- worried about your financial security
- made to believe that you deserved it
It may be helpful to look at some of the ways you’ve coped until now: you have been careful about what you say, when you say things and how you say them. You have tried to talk to her about her stress, drug use or moods. You have given up doing anything likely to upset her. You adapt your behaviour to what she says she wants. You tried to make agreements or set boundaries.
Give Yourself Credit For Everything You Have Tried
Never think her violence is your fault. You may believe you are equally responsible for your partner’s violence BUT you are not to blame. All violence has damaging consequences. Your belief in your worth and your sense of having rights and choices becomes eroded by constant abuse. You have a right to be safe – Violence is unacceptable There are many common beliefs about why women choose to be violent:
“she had a sad or traumatic childhood”
“she drinks or uses drugs”
“she has trouble expressing her feelings”
“she is oppressed as a woman”
“she can’t control her anger”
“something about you drives her to violence”
THESE ARE ALL EXCUSES! We all experience stress, trauma, anger, and fear but a violent woman chooses to use violence to control and get her own way. She CAN control her violence but she chooses to control and abuse you. She uses violence deliberately to weaken your choices to act.
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE IS A CRIME.
Believe and trust your own feelings. You may not have believed until recently that her behaviour could be labelled as violent. If you feel scared and unsafe in her presence something is wrong. You are the best judge of how safe you are. You may not have told anyone about the violence. You may have told friends who have not understood your danger and distress. Acknowledge the pain and grief of abuse. You could: Tell friends you trust. Make safety arrangements such as organising a safe place to go, changing your phone number and locks. Telephone Men’s Centre North Shore and talk to a worker, find out about your legal rights or see a counsellor.
REMIND YOURSELF THAT YOU DESERVE TO LIVE IN SAFETY AND THAT HER VIOLENCE IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
People can be supportive by:
- Supporting the right of all couples to live safely
- Becoming informed about violence within relationships
- Passing comment if you witness behaviour you believe is abusive or violent
- Listening to, believing and taking positive action to support a man who confides in you
- Ask “How can I help?” or “What can you do to make yourself safer?”
Find or form a local men’s support group.
- to talk and obtain support
- to find out about your legal rights and obtain legal information
- to obtain support in dealing with the police
- to enquire about male-friendly counsellors
We are grateful to the Domestic Violence and Incest Resource Centre which produced this information on female violence for lesbians. We have altered genders throughout as appropriate.
