MENZ Issues: news and discussion about New Zealand men, fathers, family law, divorce, courts, protests, gender politics, and male health.

A Personal

Filed under: General — dpex @ 10:19 pm Wed 23rd August 2006

In amongst all the misery we endure, there are a few humourous points.

Here’s one.

After being beaten emotionally senseless by Yula I kind’ve decided being single was probably a better idea. I mean, poking up one’s butt for the sole purpose of finding out how sharp the next rasp will be is a negative proposal.

So I had accepted a future of soleness. I’m pretty happy with my own company so it wasn’t such a hard choice.

But I hadn’t factored in the world of chance.

A bit of background.

About 30 years ago I wandered into an office. I was lost and looking for directions. A youngish (actually 2 years older than I) woman sat behind her corporate desk. In an instant of a look I knew this woman (Julie) was to be my wife. And she became so.

I had absolutely zero information upon which to make this judgement. I hadn’t even opened my mouth, nor she hers. It was just one of those events in life.

Twenty eight years later we separated but have remained great friends.

Meantime, Davey has done Yula. Ugh! Davey finds peace in singularity. Sure, he looks, and even does the odd date, but nar! Sorry. No magic.

Last week, Davey wandered into a shop, looking for a shirt. Boom! There’s five-foot nothing, Ms someone who had exactly the same affect as Julie had, so many years ago.

But being more than a bit gun-shy, Davey just walked away. Night after night, her face surfaces in his dreams.

Bugger this. I’m going back to propose (something).

So back I went. But she wasn’t there!!!

Next day.

I set about, lurking. Yup. I lurked. Pretending to be terribly interested in the offered product range.She wasn’t there!
Day one, I lurked. Day two I lurked. Day three I lurked.

All I could see in my imagination was this lovely face, the eyes, the lips, the twitch of the hip, the wicked tooshy.:–))

On day four of lurking a significantly overweight, obvious queen approached. I’d been noticed, you see…lurking.

‘Something we can do for you, deary?’ asked the sweaty, fat queen.

Gawd. I know it’s not PC to despise fat,sweaty, queens, but yuk!

Anyway, I managed to fabricate a story about how ‘some’ woman….can’t remeber exactly who. except she was kindv’e blah, blah, blah…and went on with a detailed description.

Said queen saw straight through me and said, ‘She’s gone, darling.’ The joy in his eyes, at seeing another halted in love was rather appalling.

She’s gone. Left the job. New staff have no idea on her whereabouts.

What do I do folks? I just know this lovely woman is my next soul-mate. But she’s gone!




  1. David,

    You are a definately a romantic.
    I think you have been in a relationship for so long that you may need some new tips for dating.
    I can understand what you are saying about the ‘moment when 2 souls meet thing’ but it is not something you should dwell on or try to persue. Especailly with barely getting out of the clutches of CYFS. Others may not understand what you are doing and create their own story (yes, as I had).

    This ‘souls meeting moment’ when the eyes fix and the body freezes, heats and melts at the same time is attraction. Don’t be fooled by it.
    Even friends do it at times and even husband and wives do it with other people outside the relationship.

    My recommendation would be to write a list of what qualities you would like in a partner.
    For example; work ethics, home ethics. And what you expect from others. Don’t compromise for less than your minimum standards because that is just setting your self up to fail.

    If you want more than sex don’t go to a bar but go to a pottery class or something. Go to a night course to learn something you enjoy.

    I am sure you will get many other tips along the way.

    Comment by julie — Thu 24th August 2006 @ 9:45 am

  2. Ahhh. I love a romantic story and it’s great that you are still willing to risk a relationship. But listen to Julie-you need to protect your heart with your head. I’m a great believer in fate and when the time is right you will find someone(or they will find you). Enjoy yourself, have fun but hold a bit in reserve until you know it’s right. I found my manfriend on a dating website! but this can be a minetrap and sadly it seems to be women that mostly mis-represent themselves on them.however it is fun to get emails from people from all over the country(or other countries) and no pressure to meet them etc. I hope you find this lady or someone equally as good.

    Comment by Chrissy — Thu 24th August 2006 @ 6:15 pm

  3. It’s cheap and easy for you a couple of women to coo about David being ‘romantic’. You wouldn’t have to take anything near the risk any western man would in getting hitched. Your encouragement of what appears to me to be David’s utterly misguided foolhardiness leaves me disgusted.

    All his bull bravado about knowing she’s my ‘soulmate’ at first sight.
    Puleaze can we change channel now, or are we stuck on Oprah.

    Now take a deep breath folks and read on – The Gonzman at mensnewsdaily blogs with a dose of reality ready made to innoculate against the sickness of sickening woman’tis ism.

    David – take three times daily until the fever subsides.

    It amazes me sometimes when I see women talking to divorced men who don’t want to do it again like they were born yesterday. Some of us have even been married more than once, we know marriages don’t last, and it then becomes a question of not doing the same thing over again, and somehow expecting a different result. Very unromantic and coldly logical, I know, but that’s how men think. Don’t allow yourself to “Fall in WUV!” again, and don’t open that door to getting reamed. Very simple, problem solved. We adapt, and become content – and it is a damn sight more than most people have going for them.

    There is a reason why the crap done to men in the family courts is an evil – it breaks them for life. It’s not a matter of suck it up and move on; I lost years with my kids. I will let you know when it stops hurting. It’s not today. Tomorrow isn’t looking good either. I can still see a father out with his ten year old son, and get sick to my stomach with rage at what I missed. I saw a father on a “date” with his five or six year old daughter a couple weeks ago, and had to turn my head to keep from weeping. I never got that. It’s gone forever, and all the King’s horses and all the King’s men can’t do jack or shit about it. It never heals. It never goes away. Hell, look about you. Find one of your sitabouts . Knock it to the floor. Break it. You can glue it together. It can be a semblance of what it was. But is it the same? Will you want to do it again? Hell, will you want to do it to begin with?

    Didn’t think so. And that’s a “thing,” not a human being. What, you’d give your Winnie the Pooh mug more consideration than a man?

    And for that matter, for all the talk about “trusting” women again, I don’t notice a whole lot of you lining up to “trust” men. How about we just have a religious ceremony, and skip the legal flesh-hooks, hm? Hell, I’d never leave you – I’d never do that to you. Don’t you “Trust” me? Are you bitter, hateful towards men, or just nursing your hurts? You know – all the things you accuse us of being? Or is it angry and misogynist of me to fire a salvo that hits close to home? How about a pre-nup? How about a “Covenant Marriage,” (For those states which allow it) you know, the ones where you forgo no-fault and have to commit to counselling?

    “Unromantic.” “Planning for divorce.” Uh-huh. More like “Won’t put my money where my mouth is.” Easy to ask us to take risks, ain’t it? Put the shoes on your foot, and suddenly it’s “different.”

    Well, in fact, it isn’t different, but whether you’re mature enough to face that isn’t the point here.

    Despite all the crying about “losing hope” the fact of the matter is that you’re not going to fix what took generations to build, and even if feminism is a minority of women, most of you were all to happy to sit around and complain that men weren’t standing up for themselves, and complain now when we are, and still didn’t do so much as tell Feminazi one to “Sit down, shut up, and don’t presume to claim to speak for me!” over the course of those generations. Well, enjoy your cats. This is the result – you have more and more men who would sooner have a root canal without anesthesia than get married again, and who know we’re better off this way. This is why you don’t do things like this to people. It has consequences. It produces results. Our lives aren’t games and experiments, they are ours, and belong to us, and you have no right to demand a part of them. You don’t live them, you don’t have to listen to your child call some other man “My Second Daddy” or see pictures of some other man at the Father-Son picnic with yours. You don’t have to drive to a house yopu bought, and you sweated over building, to be granted the privilege of stealing a few moments with your own flesh and blood. You don’t have to look at what’s left of a paycheck and know it isn’t enough for a second chance at the House, car, dog, picket fence, and 1.7 children.

    And when you’re looking at fifty, and could be a grandfather at any time, it’s a little damn late to try that again in any event. Another thing that is gone forever, and all the make-believe that you’re twenty and starting fresh is just another lie you’d be telling yourself; and Pollyanna, I’m here to tell you that we outgrew lies and left innocence about the way things really are behind us long, long, ago. I’m not an activist for me, my dear. It’s too late. The damage is done, and that chapter is closed. I’m doing this for the next generation of boys, for my son, and my potential grandsons.

    And yes, I am bitter. What of it? You’ve not walked a step, let alone the proverbial mile, in my moccasins to give you the right to utter a peep about it.

    So if you are “doing it for us” you’re living in a Fool’s Paradise. It’s too late. Don’t do it for us. Do it for your sons, and grandsons – if you love them enough. Or go ahead and give up, and “lose hope.” But let me tell you one thing: When their ex-wives do it to them on down the line, what makes you think you’ll be allowed to see your own grandchildren anymore than he will? Anymore than other mothers today do?

    Or, you can try doing it because it is the right thing to do.

    Your call.

    Comment by Stephen — Fri 25th August 2006 @ 2:12 am

  4. Stephen,

    The Gonzman’s words are perfect.

    But I am wondering what you mean by

    It’s cheap and easy for you a couple of women to coo about David being ‘romantic’.

    Comment by julie — Fri 25th August 2006 @ 9:37 am

  5. you are getting very predictable Stephen. I thought you got another partner so are you saying that was a mistake? If you read a bit closely you will see that both Julie and I have told David that he needs to be more wary and not let himself fall ‘head over heels’. You post enough warnings on the evils of women and yet some men still want to find someone that will love them and treat them well. I still think that both men and women want to be in relationships and that is a good thing. but you need to make sure that the object of your affection is worthy and you need to use your head and a touch of healthy paranoia to not leave yourself vulnerable. We all have sad stories of broken relationships but most of us are willing to try again but we set limits on what will be acceptable and we keep our eyes open. To keep ‘falling in love’ with the same unsuitable type is foolish and a sensible person learns from their mistakes. Most of us crave companionship and for someone that will love us for all our faults. David doesn’t have to be anti-women because of the past and he doesn’t have to spend the rest of his life alone. You should be supporting him and helping him to make the right decisions. Becoming obessed with a stranger in a shop is probably not the best way for David to find someone – but it does indicate that he is unconsciously wanting to find someone. When he finds someone he should be getting his female friends to check her out as it is easier for a woman to see through another woman. I always get my male friends to check out men I’m interested in for the same reasons.

    Comment by Chrissy — Fri 25th August 2006 @ 10:16 am

  6. It’s not often I venture into triviality …(!) but Chrissy says “I still think that both men and women want to be in relationships”

    I agree; Problem is they all want to be in relationships with women!!!!

    Comment by Al D Rado — Fri 25th August 2006 @ 11:08 am

  7. That was a interesting read Stephen. Straight from the soul of the author. I have an uncle whom, after being ‘hang out to dry’ by the first wife 20 years ago, has never since looked at another female. Hes a lovely guy and its a shame. It makes me worry about my own son. I think I might need to forget about garding the daughter and perhaps gard the son!

    Comment by wendy — Fri 25th August 2006 @ 11:30 am

  8. You might want to start by educating him, Wendy – the schools won’t. Chances are he’ll be illeterate by the time he fails NCEA 1 ….

    Comment by Al D Rado — Fri 25th August 2006 @ 11:37 am

  9. Your #6 Post made me chuckly -just a bit- Thats what happned to my hubby, his ex-partner is……ummm how do you say it, bisexual? She was caught in bed with another female and somehow managed to blame my hubby for it! insisting she couldn’t trust him! Figure that out. I still wonder though how dose she explain it to their son? when one minute there is a male in her bed and the next a female?

    Post #8, oh yes I am a big supporter of homeschooling!

    Comment by wendy — Fri 25th August 2006 @ 11:50 am

  10. Julie, what I meant was precisely what I said.
    Granted you and Chrissy have both offered some sensible advice to David about avoiding falling in love. But niether of you has acknowledged that doing so for men in western cultures is generally much more risky than for women. A minefield in fact.
    So my point is that it’s all well and good to say take it carefully and use your head, but at the end of the day until social and legal conditions change I personally wouldn’t recommend any man there get hitched.
    Romance is so 20th century.



    Comment by Stephen — Sun 27th August 2006 @ 5:33 am

  11. Stephen,
    Perhaps you can explain why when a relationship breaks up(even if no kids involved) that the man so often just walks away and leaves everything behind. I know of too many men who have slept in their cars until they can afford to find somewhere else to go when a relationship ends. Why don’t they fight? it can’t be just about the way society views things or that the legal system might screw them. My own manfriend walked away from his partner with nothing – she didn’t want him so he left.
    This is what worries me most about David and his shop-woman. He sees, he falls hopelessly in love. no sense of self-preservation. what if she’d been there when he went back? would she have moved in with him? would he have protected his assets before she did so? If she tired of him, would he walk away with nothing?

    From what I’ve seen, it is men that are the hopeless romantics and that is why they get burned so badly.

    Us woman like a romantic story but I think we are probably more hard-hearted when it comes to reality.

    Comment by Chrissy — Sun 27th August 2006 @ 9:57 pm

  12. Stephen,

    I do believe ‘falling in love’ is a trap for both parties. So I am happy that you explained what your words meant and I agree with what you say.

    I like the way you wrote falling in love and then crash.

    But I wonder what ‘falling in love’ means?
    (you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to for I will think about it.)

    Comment by julie — Mon 28th August 2006 @ 9:33 am

  13. Julie,
    You should ask your manfriend why he walked away from assets. I don’t know him.
    As to why men in general do so, perhaps it’s because we’ve been instilled with chivalrous notions of protecting women. Perhaps we see it’s better to make a clean break. Perhaps being the ones most often dumped women form gameplans which get them most of the assets and men can’t be bothered with the hassle of fighting a war she planned for in advance and ambushed us with.
    Perhaps we men are the less materialistic sex. We actually quite like roughing it from time to time (in cars, tents, caves etc). It’s a man thing – testosterone fuelled adventurers. We don’t crave comfort the way women generally seem to.
    Mix and match any of the above and I suspect you’re going to arrive at the reasons some men leave it all behind.
    From all accounts record numbers are eschewing being with women in the first place.
    It seems whilst women gain economic and political power they become less attractive to men.
    I can relate to that entirely.
    Western women are now so enttled I wouldn’t dare call myself thier equal and get embroiled in a close relationship with one.

    Comment by Stephen — Mon 28th August 2006 @ 12:29 pm

  14. Hi Stephen,

    Your last comment was intended for Chrissy but what you say is true.


    I just want to add that it is not just men that walk away leaving everything behind for I have done that too and I know other women who have done the same. I think some people just feel when they have had enough, they have had enough. And it doesn’t matter what you say to them their mind is made over. Sleeping in a car can be a better option than trying to do things that will never work.
    Sometimes the arguments or the fight is not worth the energy. Putting the energy into relocating seems more pleasant and promising than fighting for material things or even children. When people achieve once, they know they can achieve twice and so they just move on.

    Others, well the pain and effort to them is not worth the possible rewards. You have to weigh up the risks and benefits. If the risk seems too much, forget it. Life is too short to focus on one particular relationships.

    For them friendship is a better option with no strings attached.

    Comment by julie — Wed 30th August 2006 @ 9:26 am

  15. Julie and Chrissy,
    sorry about the mistaken identity thing.

    Comment by Stephen — Wed 30th August 2006 @ 2:03 pm

  16. Stephen, has your post been sanitised? I’m sure it read differently a couple of days ago.

    Comment by Chrissy — Thu 31st August 2006 @ 10:51 pm

  17. Chrissy,
    I beleive you got that wrong. My posts on this thread haven’t been ‘sanitised’ or changed in any way at all. They’re exactly as I posted them.

    Comment by Stephen — Fri 1st September 2006 @ 2:13 am

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

Please note that comments which do not conform with the rules of this site are likely to be removed. They should be on-topic for the page they are on. Discussions about moderation are specifically forbidden. All spam will be deleted within a few hours and blacklisted on the stopforumspam database.

This site is cached. Comments will not appear immediately unless you are logged in. Please do not make multiple attempts.

Skip to toolbar