I want to further address Sunday’s article A man’s core desire for adventure and some of the following comments. Darren gives us a look at what he is doing for men and their children in Australia. He also invites us and our contacts to join him. In the following comments, Martin is cynical and therefore critical of the article and suggests that it is another attempt from someone to get a living out of our misery. That got me thinking. He expressed my own feelings from a few years ago and I became introspective as to how my thinking has changed and if I am letting myself and the team down by seeing the best in people’s motives. It took me back to my rage at the way I was treated by the system and I was able to juxtapose that with a female who was brutally raped by a man.
As expressed to me by the woman who was raped, “..…my vagina was the conduit to and from my heart.” As you blokes will know, our ‘dicks’ do not necessarily serve the same function. You see, when this woman was raped she experienced the defilement of the most treasured part of her, the most sacred inner being from which she gave and received her love and happiness from. It was a horrific experience that transcended the physical violence; it smashed the very core of her being. She could not trust men nor could she bear to be near them anymore. They became monsters who needed to be destroyed. She suffered for years with depression.
Can you think of a parallel for the male of the species??? From my experience I believe I can. Where does the same vulnerability lie in a man? If you have become a father and love your children you will know instantly what I am talking about. Darren’s article mentions much of the values it creates for us. If we are working Dads we use our partners as the conduit of our love to them. As long as our love with our partner is strong we can work for long hours and be away from home and still feel close to our children. The “family” becomes the driving force of our life and is the channel through which our love is both given and received. It is in fact the inner core of our existence and gives meaning to our life. When our relationship comes to an end (more often this is initiated by the woman) we find ourselves exposed to a horrific experience.
Some of us have an initial shock of being thrown out of our own homes without any legitimate reason other than a vague claim of violence used as a legal weapon to gain first strike. We then find that we have lost our conduit to our children; the mother is now the enemy. In pain and shock we try to establish direct contact with our children and find that we are deemed not eligible or suitable to have any unless the mother wants us to. In that case you have to go to court. There, we sit before a Judge and put up with the most profound load of demeaning arguments as to why we are not good for the child but the mother is.
You discover that ‘Good’ is defined from a feminine point of view. Your masculine traits are deemed to be ‘bad’. Only one perspective appears to hold value. You become aware that this argument is not about what’s ‘good’ for the child and everything about what’s ‘good’ for the mother.
You experience the defilement of the most treasured part of your life. Your motives, values and integrity are all under attack and slowly but surely you become aware that the world of fairness and common sense has gone, overtaken by a politically motivated system that attempts to destroy your soul. You feel like a turtle on its back as everyone that you need to fight for you wants money and big amounts. Any legal contract that you may have had with your partner is under attack and you are stunned to find that once again you are up for massive legal costs to defend a simple and fair document.
Owing to the weight of law being on the female side you get a shock to find that blackmail is legal. “Pay up or we go to court!!!.” You are stunned to find that Legal Aid is granted to your partner even against their own rules. When you challenge it you find the rules are easily bent. In reality it’s the state that wants your blood. When the mother attempts to live in another city and you take court action to stop her. Your heart is broken when her defense is that you have been sexually indecent if front of your daughter. You’re most sensitive inner values are under attack and the decency of a woman you once loved and respected are shattered. You discover that in order to legitimise the accusation the mother was prepared to have an internal examination on your daughter at the age of 4 yrs. You break down and cry, not for yourself but for your child.
Your male instinct to protect the child from the mother’s craziness is seen as an attempt to undermine her confidence. When the accusations are found to be unsubstantiated by cyfs no punishment is delivered to the accuser. The respect you had in law and order begins to breakdown and you become despondent. In order to stop the slide into suicide you grab at the smallest straws to hold on to. You now find you can’t connect with another female as trust has gone not just with females but with the fairness of the justice system, the press and the police, believing them all to adhere to misandry. They become monsters that must be destroyed. The life as you knew it has gone, you feel abandoned, isolated, disappointed and enraged. Depression descends upon you. Only now do you deem rape to be a crime against humanity!!!
Martin, what you feel now is most likely legitimate, however, if you don’t get caught in a rut you may well experience other feelings quite contrary down-stream… Whilst in a state of anger you will remain cynical and therefore destructive toward the opportunities you may have to help channge the system.
I came to London recently to be with my eldest daughter who was having her 24th birthday party. I separated from her mother when she was only 4yrs old, reluctantly becoming a McDonald’s dad for the next 12 yrs. At the birthday party my daughter told me how much she loved me and in particular how much it meant for her to have had love and guidance from me. Many of her girl friends had no contact with their fathers and lacked self confidence with little sense of dignity. She explained to me that my love and respect helped her to stay on track when many times she was strongly tempted to stray from it.
I asked her why her mother could not have done this for her. She said “Dad, I could see mum making things difficult for me and you in having a relationship so I grew to hate her. Many times I did bad things just to piss her off.” She continued, “I never invited her to any school events so I could always have you there. Only recently have I started to talk with her again”. I was stunned as I thought her and her mum would be very close owing to the huge amount of time they spent together. It gave me great happiness to know she gained so much from me and that she also had renewed her relationship with her mother.