MENZ Issues: news and discussion about New Zealand men, fathers, family law, divorce, courts, protests, gender politics, and male health.

State Rape

Filed under: General — triassic @ 5:44 am Wed 6th August 2008

I want to further address Sunday’s article A man’s core desire for adventure and some of the following comments. Darren gives us a look at what he is doing for men and their children in Australia. He also invites us and our contacts to join him. In the following comments, Martin is cynical and therefore critical of the article and suggests that it is another attempt from someone to get a living out of our misery. That got me thinking. He expressed my own feelings from a few years ago and I became introspective as to how my thinking has changed and if I am letting myself and the team down by seeing the best in people’s motives. It took me back to my rage at the way I was treated by the system and I was able to juxtapose that with a female who was brutally raped by a man.

As expressed to me by the woman who was raped, “..…my vagina was the conduit to and from my heart.” As you blokes will know, our ‘dicks’ do not necessarily serve the same function. You see, when this woman was raped she experienced the defilement of the most treasured part of her, the most sacred inner being from which she gave and received her love and happiness from. It was a horrific experience that transcended the physical violence; it smashed the very core of her being. She could not trust men nor could she bear to be near them anymore. They became monsters who needed to be destroyed. She suffered for years with depression.

Can you think of a parallel for the male of the species??? From my experience I believe I can. Where does the same vulnerability lie in a man? If you have become a father and love your children you will know instantly what I am talking about. Darren’s article mentions much of the values it creates for us. If we are working Dads we use our partners as the conduit of our love to them. As long as our love with our partner is strong we can work for long hours and be away from home and still feel close to our children. The “family” becomes the driving force of our life and is the channel through which our love is both given and received. It is in fact the inner core of our existence and gives meaning to our life. When our relationship comes to an end (more often this is initiated by the woman) we find ourselves exposed to a horrific experience.

Some of us have an initial shock of being thrown out of our own homes without any legitimate reason other than a vague claim of violence used as a legal weapon to gain first strike. We then find that we have lost our conduit to our children; the mother is now the enemy. In pain and shock we try to establish direct contact with our children and find that we are deemed not eligible or suitable to have any unless the mother wants us to. In that case you have to go to court. There, we sit before a Judge and put up with the most profound load of demeaning arguments as to why we are not good for the child but the mother is.

You discover that ‘Good’ is defined from a feminine point of view. Your masculine traits are deemed to be ‘bad’. Only one perspective appears to hold value. You become aware that this argument is not about what’s ‘good’ for the child and everything about what’s ‘good’ for the mother.

You experience the defilement of the most treasured part of your life. Your motives, values and integrity are all under attack and slowly but surely you become aware that the world of fairness and common sense has gone, overtaken by a politically motivated system that attempts to destroy your soul. You feel like a turtle on its back as everyone that you need to fight for you wants money and big amounts. Any legal contract that you may have had with your partner is under attack and you are stunned to find that once again you are up for massive legal costs to defend a simple and fair document.

Owing to the weight of law being on the female side you get a shock to find that blackmail is legal. “Pay up or we go to court!!!.” You are stunned to find that Legal Aid is granted to your partner even against their own rules. When you challenge it you find the rules are easily bent. In reality it’s the state that wants your blood. When the mother attempts to live in another city and you take court action to stop her. Your heart is broken when her defense is that you have been sexually indecent if front of your daughter. You’re most sensitive inner values are under attack and the decency of a woman you once loved and respected are shattered. You discover that in order to legitimise the accusation the mother was prepared to have an internal examination on your daughter at the age of 4 yrs. You break down and cry, not for yourself but for your child.

Your male instinct to protect the child from the mother’s craziness is seen as an attempt to undermine her confidence. When the accusations are found to be unsubstantiated by cyfs no punishment is delivered to the accuser. The respect you had in law and order begins to breakdown and you become despondent. In order to stop the slide into suicide you grab at the smallest straws to hold on to. You now find you can’t connect with another female as trust has gone not just with females but with the fairness of the justice system, the press and the police, believing them all to adhere to misandry. They become monsters that must be destroyed. The life as you knew it has gone, you feel abandoned, isolated, disappointed and enraged. Depression descends upon you. Only now do you deem rape to be a crime against humanity!!!

Martin, what you feel now is most likely legitimate, however, if you don’t get caught in a rut you may well experience other feelings quite contrary down-stream… Whilst in a state of anger you will remain cynical and therefore destructive toward the opportunities you may have to help channge the system.

Foot note

I came to London recently to be with my eldest daughter who was having her 24th birthday party. I separated from her mother when she was only 4yrs old, reluctantly becoming a McDonald’s dad for the next 12 yrs. At the birthday party my daughter told me how much she loved me and in particular how much it meant for her to have had love and guidance from me. Many of her girl friends had no contact with their fathers and lacked self confidence with little sense of dignity. She explained to me that my love and respect helped her to stay on track when many times she was strongly tempted to stray from it.

I asked her why her mother could not have done this for her. She said “Dad, I could see mum making things difficult for me and you in having a relationship so I grew to hate her. Many times I did bad things just to piss her off.” She continued, “I never invited her to any school events so I could always have you there. Only recently have I started to talk with her again”. I was stunned as I thought her and her mum would be very close owing to the huge amount of time they spent together. It gave me great happiness to know she gained so much from me and that she also had renewed her relationship with her mother.


  1. so if i understand your logic, all happiness with our children ….. will ….. return …… if we pay this salesguy to …… go on …….. an adventure HOLIDAY YIPPEEE

    Comment by martin swash — Wed 6th August 2008 @ 7:47 am

  2. Well said Bryan

    Ration Shed – Jim

    Comment by Jim Bailey — Wed 6th August 2008 @ 11:56 am

  3. Martin,

    If you feel like it’s a scam…. don’t go! Every man deals with this shit in his own way, some feel that going on an exciting holiday adventure with other people that are going through the same thing helps a lot. It’s like all the men, including you, that come to this site for support.

    I second Jim’s comment. It sent shivers up my spine and that’s saying something!

    Comment by Tigerseye — Wed 6th August 2008 @ 12:20 pm

  4. “Key We Bank” since rape and pillage is the theme of this thread, please save our flightless politicians…

    Comment by bull en a china shop — Wed 6th August 2008 @ 2:12 pm

  5. when did i ever say it was scam ? all i have ever said is that it is an advertisement. But we have to deal with this shit yes, Bryan

    Comment by Perseus — Wed 6th August 2008 @ 8:30 pm

  6. Bryan

    I hope you didn’t think my comment about a scam was directed at you – I know it’s not a scam but Martin seems to feel there is some sort of money making sceme to take advantage of sad and desperate fathers. It’s not going to magically bring back your children but it may, with the knowledge that others are going through what you are, give you the courage to stand up and fight for your child/ren. If I had the money I’d like to be a part of it.

    I gotta say though, if it was a scam you would never say it was a scam so saying “when did I ever say it was a scam” doesn’t help your cause 🙂

    If I could get enough sponsorship or save enough money I could not only be part of the adventure but bring it to life in the documentary… after all, the question begs an answer – how did things get so bad that we need to find support groups because the government has taken our children from us?


    Seems to me that if we spend too much time from home because we are working hard at providing for the family we are accused of being workaholics, being mean, bad, (ad naseum) fathers/husbands. On the other side of the coin if we were to work less so we could spend more time with our family we would be known as worthless bums.

    At least, before womens lib that is, when we expected the women to stay at home and look after our the children and the house etc there was – excuse my old school sexism – a reason for us to be part of the family. We were bringing home the bacon and our wives (who now will accuse us of horific things just so we can’t see our children and they get full custody) were nurturing our children as only women can. Do you think it was easy for the men? F#@CK off. The poor bastards hardly got to see their kids!!!! But, we the men were important to the family. Again, please excuse me for my old school sexism but there are some things that men are better at than women and one of those is doing hard labour to feed the family. In general, women are the best at bringing up children – this time I’m not going to excuse myself for being sexist as THIS IS A BIOLOGICAL FACT!!! But they can’t do it without the men.

    I’m going to get a bundle of bad comments for this post but I really don’t care. Until the 60’s hit us in the head with womens lib and equal rights etc… we were happy breaking our backs to bring home the buck knowing all the live long day that our wives were bringing our children up in a normal family and in a normal waqy without any of the PC shit that has killed our society.

    F%&CKEN gutless MP’s.

    OK, so women can do anything yah, yah, yah – hey, Oprah, what was the name of that MAN that gave birth?

    Comment by Tigerseye — Wed 6th August 2008 @ 10:05 pm

  7. I think what Martin is saying is that rather than remove the cause of the problem these type of activities can be seen a making money out of parents “misery”.

    The danger that exists is that groups get sucked into to living off the money generated by the family law industry and the misery it causes and do nothing to remove the cause of the problem. Some current examples include FC lawyers, Physcologists and Organisations like Men Alive Ack/ Womens Refuge who run anger management courses for FC based on the Man is abuser women is victim model.

    They are intricately linked to supporting the ideology of the industry because if they dont they loose the money. Therfore they fail to speak up and call for change and the cylce continues and the money keeps rolling in.



    Comment by Scrap_The_CSA — Thu 7th August 2008 @ 12:59 pm

  8. An excellent book (also in audio CD) is Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. A cynic would say he is making money out of peoples misery. He did make money out of it, but before that he gave up his job and risked everything he had to write the book that has been a huge inspiration to millions of men. The best two books for men however are ‘ Iron John’ and ‘No More Mister Nice Guy’. A lot of men today are souless, bored, victims of feminist and legal abuse. They all think Jesus was a really, really nice guy. Jesus was a true man, the bravest of all.

    Comment by jerry — Thu 7th August 2008 @ 3:42 pm

  9. More State Rape and yet another attempt to expose it
    Pray for us
    Onward – Jim

    Attention Minister Ruth Dyson

    And to those that need to know the circumstances that have been forced on us.
    Attention David Udy — CEO — so called Child Support
    Attention Bev Butler — Manager – WINZ Birkenhead
    Attention Richard Coutt — Principal Birkdale Intermediate
    Attention Marg Dixon — FC Co-Ordinator — North Shore
    Marg for the FC file please, and thanks you have been very helpful over many years
    Attention MP Jonathan Coleman

    CC, Javan my very dear Son
    CC, Lawyer — Rod Hooker
    CC, NZHerald
    CC, Vicar Lorraine
    CC, Pastor Victor
    CC, Friends

    Another example of NZLaw and NZSocial Policy destroying yet another
    dedicated DAD and his Kid/s

    WINZ 323-170-397 -/- IRD 12-595-093 -/- FAM-1997-044-000099 -/- FP/044/487/96

    Dated 7-August-08

    On the last day of July-08 I told my Son Javan to leave

    I have sent Javan, now 12 going on 17, to live with his mother or until he chooses to live with me full time or WINZ fully recognise our so called Equal Parenting Orders, before he does something crazy. I want to make it clear that NZLaw and NZSocial Policy has placed this totally unreasonable decision on a 12 year old because it has made Father powerLess.

    If Javan chooses to live with me, and I hope he does, he must abide by our well established Family Co-operation chart built by both of us over many years and negotiated quarterly. Yes it can be updated by negotiation.

    Javan and I had a terrible argument, worse than others, the night before the last day of July. I have made my mind up to relieve Javan of some of the tension caused through his enforced untenable lifestyle. His mother was unlikely to do that as she has used him to gain her desired lifestyle since before his conception, encouraged by current NZLaw and NZSocial Policy. To continue our very limited and unreal so called Equal Parenting in time only, with Minister Dyson declaring her determination to block ALL funding leaves me no option but to withdraw from so called Equal Parenting him for the sake of his sanity. The limitations are damaging my Son. Real Equal Parenting would be the way forward. Labour has blocked that as National did under Jenny Shipley.

    I had to act while he was still sane and I retain a measure of health which has not been good lately.

    Minister Dyson and her blindly obedient bureaucrats have forced another FatherLess Kid into the Stats

    I believe Javan is finally cracking under the strain placed on Kids that change homes weekly or more. That strain is normally far less than the strain caused by separating from either Mum or Dad or living in CYFS care. All three options are all too often State Induced. However in our case the State has refused to honour our Equal Parenting.

    I was well able to relieve that strain/tension while working and earning a good income. Particularly as Javan was often in my taxi even in Mums week as we did school runs and other Kid related contracts, etc. He loved it and we built a huge business working a van 24X7 with 3 drivers and many asking for the van with the Kid or Kid seat in it. Thus he had contact with many Kids from single Parent homes, many of whom grew to be friends, especially Javan’s.

    In year 2000 I faced up to the pains in my chest and stomach, I believe caused by the shit fight and cost necessary to give my Son his own Father and the injustices discovered on the trip. I was helped by our wonderful medical fraternity but far from healed. I was eventually granted a Single Persons Invalids Benefit because of the clear and obvious documentation after WINZ forced me to destroy our business and fire 2 drivers because it was not yet ready to fund me unless I worked in it. This cost me all my investment and their jobs, simply because of WINZ staff ignorance of regulations separating those that need help from their business.

    NOTE one person benefit yet for years in fact since early 97 I had week about Equal Parented Javan. 2 people is it not? WINZ refused to recognise our Family Court Orders. That has placed incredible strain on US. Turning me into a time only Dad who could not even afford the traditional McD’s without limiting my medicine and suggested recovery, causing incredible debt considering our income, while Mum basks in the sun week about on full support of the DPB.

    Javan had been steadily getting more difficult for both his Mother and I to handle for some time. The Police being called to an incident between him and his Mother earlier in July

    Javan is a fine Kid, I am most proud of him, he is doing very well at school and sport, usually most courteous, easy to love, even cuddly, I want it to stay that way. He is being steadily undermined by the difficulties brought on me because WINZ refused to recognise our Equal Parenting Orders. Plus he is rather challenged by the lifestyle he sees his Mum leading and is tugged away from his Dad by others in the Morrison Family. Thus WINZ have ABUSED us since mid 2000 by funding one parent to the detriment of the other and thus driven an imbalance which is driving our Son crazy. (Recently endorsed by Ruth Dyson) while fully funding Mother on the DPB for a job (Parenting) she does less than ½ the work and shirked as many bills as possible.

    Now WINZ and Minister Ruth Dyson have made a huge fuss of me thumping a desk to highlight the 8 years of their ABUSE that they have dished out to us while downplaying their 8 years of ABUSE, in fact not even recognising it.

    My parents left us a small legacy a few years back and that helped things for a while and funded much activism in my/our attempts and naive hope to gain Equal Parenting as the basis of NZLaw and NZSocial Policy in time to save our Son from this horrible path NZLaw and NZSocial Policy has forced on him and 1000’s of others. Without our legacy this current state induced situation would have been forced on us years ago.

    It amazes me that Javan and I lasted so long under these state induced abusive circumstances.

    Thanks Lord and to those who tried to help

    Minister Dyson and her blindly obedient bureaucrats have forced another FatherLess Kid into the Stats


    On the last day of July-08 I told Javan to leave
    He had come to me for a cuddle at about 0600
    I asked him to leave — Hardest thing I have ever done
    He dressed and attempted to make lunch
    I stopped him doing that – awful
    He took his bag and began to walk to school
    I soon followed and passed him as I work at the same school

    He came home after school
    I told him he was not welcome — Even harder
    He asked to use the phone as he did not want to go to mums, five minutes walk away
    I would not allow him in our home and told him to go to his Mums as she is paid to look after him

    Javan will hate me until he understands
    Bureaucracy will demand its pound of flesh and know doubt steal more Fathering $Dollars from me.
    Those wanting to destroy Men and their Families will take full advantage of Anti-Family NZLaw and NZSocial Policy

    I will hate what I have had to do until he understands and I will hate those who have caused this now 13 year battle that is far from finished to give Javan his own Dad.

    Please forgive me Lord

    I don’t envy those who caused the battle when he discovers the truth
    I think he is well on the way to that and that is what is causing him to be difficult
    The know-it-alls have told me its just teenage stuff
    I know my boy and it’s far more than that

    I love you my Son
    I hate to do this
    You don’t deserve it
    Fare ye well for now
    I have asked and will keep asking the Holy Spirit to hover over you and protect you forever as I know he will

    Keep trusting him in the name of Jesus



    Minister Dyson and her blindly obedient bureaucrats have forced another FatherLess Kid into the Stats

    NZLaw and NZSocial Policy, those who made it and those who blindly administer it have much to answer for along with his mother, her religious mates and family.

    Refer to the FatherLess Kids poster on the blog below and comment


    COME to the Ration Shed Egroup and share your doom, your HOPE, your gloom you’re JOY. Ration Shed SERVICES, FOOD and HOPE for the desperate and others who support us by generous donation.
    There is HOPE come see.

    Blessings and regards
    Jim Bailey supporting a fathers’ coalition
    and growing the Ration Shed. See link below.
    6 Lancaster Rd
    Beach Haven
    North Shore City, 0626
    Telephones – +64-9-482-2960 -/- 027-429-0055
    Fax — +64-9-482-2961
    Skype — HandsOnEqualParent —
    Emale [email protected]

    Minister Dyson and her blindly obedient bureaucrats have forced another FatherLess Kid into the Stats

    Comment by Jim Bailey — Fri 8th August 2008 @ 7:51 am

  10. Hi Jim, it really hurt to read what you wrote but unfortunatly it is true, i know you love your boy but why should you have to take care of him when she gets all the money, i think your boy is old enough to know whats going on, 12 yr olds are on to it more than you think, so dont feel bad, he still loves you, my wife is paying child support and hasnt been allowed to see her children

    Comment by Hadi Akbari — Fri 8th August 2008 @ 10:49 am

  11. Thanks Hadi
    Onward – Jim

    Comment by Jim Bailey — Fri 8th August 2008 @ 12:18 pm

  12. Jim,
    It’s sad to read this.
    I totally disagree that kids find it stressful to change between two parents who love them dearly. Kids do find it super stressful when their parents disagree, fight and make them the messengers for each other.
    I feel very sorry for Javen. He has no influence on Minister Dyson or WINZ. Jim, you have shown yourself incapable of changing their position. Don’t pass your inability to get change onto Javan or his Mum. Deal with your stuff yourself Jim.
    It’s sad to see a child loose the contact he has had with a parent but that parent using the child as a pawn in an unwinable political battle is unacceptable. Frankly the story you tell above shows you are unfit, at this time, to parent Javan. I hope Javan’s Mum is there for him because in the story above you are not. Sad!!!
    You make a mockery of all you claim to stand for Jim.
    My thoughts and prayers are for Javan, his Mum and for you, Jim, to get better and see sense.
    Allan Harvey
    Time for those of us who believe in fathering to say when a parent has gone too far. The nonsense support from Hadi is the wrong message for real men and MENZ to give. I won’t stand by and allow some new form of PC madness to reign. Kids need dads even if it’s difficult. Some things are wrong, wrong and plain wrong. Jim, this time it’s you.

    Comment by allan Harvey — Fri 8th August 2008 @ 6:31 pm

  13. Hi Allan, i am not saying Jim shouldnt see his child but this government needs to help out, men having to cope emotionally, physically and financially can be really stressful when your child is back and forth from parent to parent especially when you have no help and are getting a lot of shit from the ex, its a bit like my wifes son going to stay with this old hag each weekend, every Sunday afternoon when he came home he said to my wife Mummy Nana is saying naughty things about you (telling people she sexually abuses him) that sort of shit is doing a lot of damage to my wife but her boy is 13 now and she knows he loves her

    Comment by Hadi Akbari — Fri 8th August 2008 @ 7:53 pm

  14. Allan and those that continue not to see what is really happening here – Kindly re-read my letter above to Ruth Dyson – Javan is the messanger – I don’t have to say anything to him – He has a very good brain – He has had to deal with conflicting messangers and been the meesanger of those conflickting messages for years – My taking the heat off him will block that and in time he will think for himself – Men squabling about whether I have done the right thing or not is irrelevant to him – But it will sure sure help Dyson and crew to continue their destruction of our families – I am the one here thats been at it for 13years with Javan – Where were you guys when he/I needed you?

    Ration Shed – Jim

    Comment by Jim Bailey — Sun 10th August 2008 @ 2:24 pm

  15. Jim,
    Don’t use a child as a messenger.
    Children need love, safety, peace and shelter from your dispute with his mother and The System.
    Some of us have been loving our own children. It is called fathering or parenting.
    Don’t give up that most precious role for politicing and point scoring!
    Sorry Jim, you are wrong in this matter and for Javan’s sake you need to hear that loud and clear. Forget your own pride, LOVE your child, protect your child, shelter your child from your troubles. The only messages he should carry is stuff he wants to say to you.
    If it’s tough going at the moment,Jim,focus on what is most important. That should be Javan and secondly the health of his parents. Kia Kaha.

    Comment by Allan Harvey — Sun 10th August 2008 @ 4:15 pm

  16. Yes Jim, I am jumping to conclusions.
    Nothing should be more important than Javan. If he is finding your
    political campaign tough, then stop. Take a holiday. Listen to the
    Sorry Jim, but you need to be called into line. To continue a
    campaign which results in Javan loosing you and you loosing Javan is
    wrong. Children should not be sacrificed for adult issues.
    I hope Minister Dyson is reading, thats why I have posted on MENZ. To all the “watchers” on this site see clearly that I for one am doing my bit to see that Javan’s loving dad is directed towards good sense. I can’t in good conscience support what you, Jim,are doing and
    saying. I waited a few days to see if others stood up and called you
    into line. I was dissapointed not many had.
    Fathering (or parenting for the women among us) is a God given
    position. Kids are our most precious toanga. Javan is a great lad,
    Jim. Love him, care for him, protect him!
    Focus Jim, look to Javan, what does he need?!! His primary need is
    parents who love him and a Dad who loves him more than some political
    fight with Ruth Dyson or his mum.
    Be there for Javan, Jim. Nothing else is more important.

    Comment by Allan Harvey — Sun 10th August 2008 @ 4:33 pm

  17. Allan,

    We seem to agree on most issues – I will say it again – Javan is already the messenger – That is what is driving him crazy – His Kid in the middle started 13 years back – His partial cognitive estimate of whats happening around him started perhaps 5 or 6 years ago – I am not making him the messenger, he is – I am taking the pressure off as best I can – I need support in these issues from those ahead of Javan and I in similar circumstances

    However I will accept advice from those who have week about Equal Parented a child for longer than me – have an Equal Parenting FC Orders – live with disability – have lived with NO Child Support from WINZ for 8 of those years.

    All other advice is considered speculative-/-and or merely opinion

    As I have said on many a group and to many who have asked my Councel – Find someone who has what you want listen hard and act – Opinion is just that – opinion.

    Ration Shed – Jim

    Comment by Jim Bailey — Sun 10th August 2008 @ 5:02 pm

  18. Jim,
    Your responsibility is to get Javan OUT of the role of being messenger.
    You need to show your love for him is bigger then your need to fight Minister Dyson.
    You need to stop political stuff if Javan isn’t coping with it.
    Jim, I have been in similar downward spirals. I once prefered to be imprisioned as from their I could breach my PO by writing to my children every day without getting visits from the police. It did my children no good and it grieved them that I was incarcerated. I only needed to give up for 3 weeks (it was a long three weeks) but my children benefitteed.
    Child Support is an IRD matter. WINZ is a seperate department. You have tried valiently. Time to give up, Focus on Javan.
    When he is an adult you can return to the fight is you wish.
    Love your boy, Jim. He is more precious than a fight with Minister Dyson.

    Comment by allan Harvey — Sun 10th August 2008 @ 6:19 pm

  19. Allan,
    So you are still not listening
    I don’t make Javan the messenger – He is
    Onward – Jim

    Comment by Jim Bailey — Sun 10th August 2008 @ 6:43 pm

  20. Its true Jim, your son is your life and minister Dyson is shit, i know it is hard but if you just concentrate on taking him fishing, camping, take him to the beach, park, zoo etc and dont even discuss any problems with him, i know he will see he has the best Dad anyone could ever want, we are on your side and you are not alone, trust me!

    Comment by Hadi Akbari — Sun 10th August 2008 @ 8:36 pm

  21. Hadi,

    Thanks for your encouragement – My Son and Daughhter are my life – Javan is in a trap here – A trap that can only be released by either his mother or I removing our imput – He is wise to both of us and reads the situation very clearly – It is nothing to do with what I say or his mother says for that matter – It is how he views the 2 different life styles – He questions both as do teenagers – I believe one of us had to relieve him of the constant changes so that he can review clearly – If we don’t he would eventually crack – I believe he was close to that – i only hope I have taken the presure off soon enough – He will be angry with me for a time and probably support mums view while angry – I can’t change that – All I can do is give him space and pray – I have had many phone calls and many Emails of encouragement – Yes I am uneasy about what I have done but am sure it is the way fwd at this time – Like most Teenages Javan is far more interested in PlayStation, Computer games etc – Luckily he remains very interested in soccer – Camping, fishing, beach we have have done plenty of when I can afford it – I think those 3 are a thing of the past with him for a while, he would far sooner be on a screen –

    Onward – Jim

    Comment by Jim Bailey — Sun 10th August 2008 @ 8:54 pm

  22. Hi Jim, i know, these days its all tv and computer games, if he is a smart boy he will understand you had to pull back and know it is for his benefit, my wife was living in New Plymouth and was going through absolute hell with these poor people that dont have a life and if she hadnt moved to Auckland when she did she would have gone to either prison or a looney bin and she knows one day her children will come looking for her, we have a beautiful 14mth old son to take care of now and these evil will rot in hell the day they die

    Comment by Hadi Akbari — Sun 10th August 2008 @ 10:03 pm

  23. Hadi,
    Yep – Usually the way – I have had the experience of my daughter come looking for me – Wonderful experience – She was 13 then and now 35 – Given me a beautiful Grand Daughter as well – Sadly I don’t see much of them these days but when I do its Great – Onward – Jim

    Comment by Jim Bailey — Sun 10th August 2008 @ 10:20 pm

  24. Hi Jim,

    I will tell you my story and you may remember me from a number of years ago. Then I will tell you how I get by.

    As my online name suggests I am from Australia (don’t ask about the Wallabies coz I don’t have sky :). Being Queenslan I have no idea about cold winters and what makes a warm home. I pay over $1,700 per month in child support and I have applied for many admin reviews unsuccessfully. My children’s mum has not worked for 13 years and my eldest daughter (of 4 girls) is 13.

    A couple of weeks ago I had my last admin review where I asked for a reduction in my assessment based on the fact that I would not be able to keep the house warm and feed the children properly. My youngest daughter had a bad chest infection for 3 continuous weeks and I guessed that it may be from their cold damp room here at my place. They have electric blankets and I bought a dehumidifier but the house is very old and their room is particularly damp. Anyway, I gave IRD a full statement of financial position that showed I am going backwards financially and explained that if something did not change I would have no choice but to stop my daughters from sleeping over as it was possibly having an adverse effect on their health.

    The review officer and IRD gave me the feeling that they thought I was conning them, that my morals could ever so far in question that I may be admitting I was unable to provide for my children in an attempt to get a few more dollars. My application was denied on the spot.

    Further to this, I have a parenting order in place that says I have the girls at my place every 2nd weekend, Wed afternoons for dinner and half the school holidays. Over the past 3 years my daughters have been calling their mum and asking/pleading to stay over on Wed and Sun nights, their mum has been allowing this for over 8 months. When I rasied this in the review I specifically said (in writing) that I did not want any application to jeopardise this extension of the parenting order. The review officer said that I should apply for shared care and went on to say that the decision for shared care would not be based on the parenting order nor what might happen when the mum is informed. The decision will be made on “what is actually happening”.

    I applied for the shared care. The following day was Wed and the girls usually stayed at my place. When I collected them from school my 2nd youngest said “mum said we can;t stay tonight and not to bother calling and asking”. I knew what had caused this and felt a little more than angry (getting quite good at hiding this from the girls – not their concern and I think this is where we differ).

    I found out today that the shared care application has been rejected and the reason was that “well, going forward you are not going to have more than 40% of the nights are you”? But what happened to “what is actually happening”?

    I agree with you in that the children need to be aware of how we, the paying parents, are being treated now so that they can identify who has misused their trust and abused their relationship. BUT and here is the defining factor: I will do my absolute best to keep my daughters ignorant to the insanity that is IRD child support. To be honest I have as little to do with the whole subject as I think the underlying agenda is to frustrate and break spirits. I see it as a surridge pond that I only reach into when I absolutely have to and the rest of the time there are other, cleaner pools in this life that are more pleasant to swim in.

    IRD child support workers have no choice but to spend 70% of their waking life in the surridge and my daughters have never even smelt the stench they resinate.

    But I am documenting each step in the process and when my daughters are old enough (18+) then I will hand them a bound summarized tarvelers guide to the cest pool. It will contain every email, every letter, every review, every court decission and it will tell a 15-20 year story in under 200 pages. Let’s see how mum explains that one.

    Be strong brother, tell your son to come and stay whenever he wants, for as long as he wants. Tell him the cest pool has been filled in and only go there when you have to. When you do go there, pitty those who have to spend 70% of their waking life eating and breathing it.

    Comment by Aussie-In-NZ — Tue 12th August 2008 @ 12:01 am

  25. Jim, tack 90 degrees … onward and upward 🙂

    Comment by Aussie-In-NZ — Tue 12th August 2008 @ 12:38 am

  26. We have answers as to why Men lose

    How many here have read my letter to Ruth Dyson and written to her complaining about the gender bias within WINZ that has lead to Javan losing his DAD?

    How many here have actually read the letter in total and really thought about what it says?

    How many here have supplied the support that I have asked for over the last 8 years to get the bias removed from WINZ

    We have answers as to why Men lose

    Look into yourselves

    Who needs Helen and her Girls to tare us and our Families apart?

    In most you guys are doing it for them

    Ration Shed — Jim
    Supporting a Fathers Coalition

    Comment by Jim Bailey — Tue 12th August 2008 @ 6:03 am

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

Please note that comments which do not conform with the rules of this site are likely to be removed. They should be on-topic for the page they are on. Discussions about moderation are specifically forbidden. All spam will be deleted within a few hours and blacklisted on the stopforumspam database.

This site is cached. Comments will not appear immediately unless you are logged in. Please do not make multiple attempts.

Skip to toolbar