I would like to blame the Aussies for starting it, but history tells a different story – yes, this goes way back.

Even, back past the Condom War. You haven’t heard of the Condom War?

Well, the English stood on their little Island and yelled across the Channel, ‘Frenchies’ and the French yelled back, ‘English overcoats’, and that’s how it started.

Of course, we’re all too familiar with the Aussie jokes about Kiwis being sheep shaggers:

There’re no women in Waiouri so the soldiers chase the Waioru Blondes around the paddock, and why we wear gumboots; they can’t run away with their back legs in your gumboots.

You know those jokes, we’ve all heard them.

That all started when there were few women around and more sheep than men. But then there was more women, than men and sheep put together, and the Red Fems wanted to change our culture. They’re called our new culture, Rape Culture.

[Those Red Fems were really out to give us blokes a hard time – checked the register of pecuniary assets and surprise, surprise – those Red Fems all had shares in the same strap-on factory; bet ya didn’t know that?]

But now the Aussies have started on with the Rape Culture jokes. ‘How do Kiwi men hold their women – down so they can’t run away’.

Yeah, well the Aussies don’t tie their kangaroos down anymore – they tie their women up instead.

We can give as good as we get.

Truth is, this rape culture stuff actually came out of the death of a political party – you could tell the Labour party was dead when it started pushing up daisies pansies.

Then there was a gallant last ditch effort by MP Trevor Mallard, to breathe life into that dead parrot with the resurrection of the moa (I know, we were all a little moa-tified at the time). But Trevor has this lifelong dream to create the first Ministry of Culture Jokes.

He had visions of Aussies cracking jokes like; ‘how do Kiwis hold their mowers – by the tail feathers’.

And why did the Irishman end up in hospital; ‘he tried to shag a running moa mower.

Ah, it didn’t last, all this Rape Culture stuff … and they’ve since run out of resurrected moa to chase … and the Red Fems can’t find anyone else to apologise for being a man … and the whole silly game hasn’t been without its casualties …

“Excuse me. EXCUSE me. Why are you nailing Mallard to that perch?”

“He likes to be nailed to his perch when he’s sleeping.”

“He’s not asleep, he’s a dead duck.”

“Oh no, no, he’s really just asleep.”

“That Mallard has shuffled of his moa-tle coil.”

“Oh no, I assure you, he’s just asleep.”

“That duck is … [hmmm, what rhymes with duck?].”

And so it was the beginning of the end for the Red Fems really, when they realised that they had killed off their credibility along with their political party … and that the voters really didn’t want Rape Culture … they liked the one they already had.