Fifty Shades of Grey
Lloyd, who engages with victims at the point where they require or have obtained a protection order against their alleged abusers, said the issue for the court was whether what took place was domestic violence.
“The legal argument is about whether there was domestic violence given there was consent,” she said.
“Well, how can you say whipping someone with canes and chains until they’re bleeding raw, is not violence?
“In the Family Court, when you’re looking at whether a protection order is needed, a judge must be satisfied there has been domestic violence. It doesn’t mention consent.”
Conservative Christian lobby group Family First NZ this week called for the public to boycott the film and donate the admission fee to a local women’s refuge.
For anyone who is old enough to remember the railing against the likes of the musical ‘Hair’ and the film ‘Last Tango in Paris’ by the religious sector of the community, this becomes interesting reading.
If you take away the circumstances that surround this argument, and put it between the sheets generally, it becomes a case of even though there was consent, the manner of sexual participation may or may not be domestic violence depending on a ruling from the Family Court (by examination of a woman’s evidence) when a protection order is applied for.
There’s something to think about.
I’ve copied this story in full from here.
It’s a total contrast to the situation above. Of course the question still remains: Is it domestic violence.
As with all topics that develop hype, 50 Shades of Grey has brought about controversy and protest. From the endless stream of articles that fill my Facebook feed, the main argument against the film seems to be that it “promotes rape culture and violence towards women”.
Let me start with this. I like being tied up in the bedroom. I like to be submissive, and have a dominant man take control. I like rope around my wrists and ankles so tight it hurts when I move and leaves a graze, and then some that I won’t go into detail about.
You may have noticed that this is an anonymous article, is that because I’m ashamed of my sexual desires? No. It’s because bedroom antics are private and to be shared with no-one aside from the two people involved (or more, if that’s what you’re into).
If I liked pre-scheduled missionary with socks on and the lights off it would still be a private matter.
To be clear, I don’t really have an opinion about the message 50 Shades of Grey sends to its viewers. As far as I’m concerned it’s a movie for entertainment purposes like any other. This rant is about the problem I have with the message that its protesters are sending to the public, I firmly believe they’re sending the wrong one, and that 50 Shades of Grey has nothing to do with it.
Imagine an impressionable girl.
Wait, even easier, imagine me but an easily impressionable version.
I’m happy in my life. In my sex life? Definitely. But then along come a stream of articles saying that allowing a man to take control of you means you are helpless and fragile, suddenly where I was happy and had no insecurities, I wonder if I must be “broken”, like all these people are suggesting. My self-esteem drops, I’m suddenly uncomfortable having sex, not sure of what I’m supposed to be enjoying.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but feminism hasn’t been about fighting for the “right” way to be loved. It’s about equality, and having the freedom to do what you want to do.
No-one should have to be submissive in the bedroom, but it’s also not wrong to be, if that’s what you genuinely like. Some people are natural leaders, others prefer to follow. Some like to make decisions, others prefer to be guided.
Sadomasochism can be enjoyed or loathed by both men and women. If a woman enjoys it, she should not feel like any less of a woman for it. If a man enjoys it and is with a partner who also enjoys it, he should not be made to feel like a rapist. (Let’s not forget that being a dominatrix is a thing, and men can also be on the receiving end.)
If I said “stop, no, that hurts” my partner would stop because he’s a good person, and that is what a good person does when someone say stop. If you don’t stop because you’re not a good person, that’s a totally separate issue and not just when it comes to sex.
Part of finding the perfect partner is finding one you share the same sexual interests with, as well as day-to-day, humorous and emotional aspects. It also involves respect and trust.
I would be horrified if my partner felt that he was taking advantage of me and was essentially “raping and abusing” me in our sex life. If these objections to 50 Shades of Grey led him to believe as such and he stopped tying me up and having his way with me, I’d be seriously disappointed.
I’d have the people with good intentions of speaking up against violence towards women to blame for ruining my happy, healthy, FUN relationship.
* Why you should take your teen to see 50 Shades of Grey
* ‘Fifty Shades of Grey romance ‘fuels abuse’
* Church: Fifty Shades of Grey ‘perverted fantasy’
If women are being led to believe that the only way to be loved is to accept lavish gifts and to allow themselves to be manipulated, the real problem lies with their self-confidence, and that is the real issue that needs to be addressed.
Everyone needs to learn that if they’re uncomfortable, they can step away. People need to be taught that if they’re unhappy, they can identify the cause and not let it continue in their lives. That talking to people and asking for help is OK.
This has always, always, been an ongoing issue with men, women, children, minorities, everyone. I’m sorry to those against the movie, but 50 Shades of Grey is not a major contributor to violence towards women nor is it a source to blame. By blaming it and calling it wrong you are still hurting others.
There will always be impressionable people. Teen Mom glorifies teen pregnancy. Action movies glorify violence. Even Disney movies promote “Prince Charming” who will magically appear when you are being a damsel in distress. He’s handsome and rich and he’s your happily ever after.
We can’t cover the world in cotton wool and white picket fences to protect these impressionable some without alienating others.
We have the law to define legal and illegal. Yes, there are still grey areas, and for those grey areas people have to be sure of their definitions of right and wrong. They need to be able to respect other people’s definitions even if they don’t match their own.
Virtually every movie and TV show can be seen to be promoting a certain view that will not be agreed on by all.
What can we do? Make 50 Shades of Grey R18 so younger people – people who are, generally speaking, more impressionable and less aware of their own preferences – aren’t permitted to see it until they’re at an age when, hopefully, they can see it for the entertainment value it provides and not as the only right way to have a relationship.
It won’t stop everyone, but managing everybody is unrealistic. Also, people need to be exposed to all there is out there to discover themselves and learn what makes them happy.
Imagine if all you were ever exposed to was pre-scheduled missionary sex with socks on and the lights off? That’s not wrong, but it’s not for everyone.
There’s a reason why many people have to date multiple partners before they find their one-and-only – not everyone likes the same things.
Some people are lucky enough to find Prince Charming the first time, but others need to learn about themselves through life experience before they can even know what “the one” means.
Not everyone has to have the same sexual preferences. Not everybody does. A few short decades ago being attracted to the same sex was unacceptable and movies that promoted the same would be slammed. I do not see this as very different.
How is being made to feel like something is wrong with you because you like whips and chains consensually any different to being made to feel like something is wrong with you because you are attracted to the same sex? Or because you don’t want to follow social norms like getting married and having children?
If you know what you like in the bedroom, good for you. If you’ve found someone you love who shares the same interests as you, congratulations. If you’re not into S&M and you know it, brilliant! But don’t go telling others they also shouldn’t be. Each to their own.
I don’t know why I like being controlled in the bedroom. Maybe I have been influenced by different media throughout my life, maybe it’s because I’m naturally a leader in social situations and a decision maker in work situations, and letting go of such responsibilities in the bedroom is a seductive reprieve.
To be honest I haven’t overthought it, I found what I like and I stick to it. And that was long before 50 Shades made its debut as a movie or literature.
So why do I like being dominated sexually? For the same reason I drink coffee in the morning and not tea.
Because that’s my preference.
And as an independent adult, it’s one I’m allowed to have.