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Need support and advice

Filed under: General — maheshav @ 9:06 am Mon 7th September 2015

I am in a troubled marriage and facing accusations that I am a bad father and husband. It is getting to me. There is a long history to my marriage and I have recently discovered I am asexual. And then, my wife goes and tells our 15 year old daughter that I am gay, and therefore the problems in our marriage.

This is impacting my daughter, and my wellbeing, apart from the fact that my wife is very unhappy. It is not easy to simply break up and walk away, as both my wife, and daughter, depend on my income.

I just need someone to talk to and seek advise from.

Hope this is the right forum, as I just cannot afford to go to any counselors




  1. Hi Maheshav, I am sorry to read of your plight. I am not a counsellor nor a psychologist but I feel quite confident in my prognosis that you are living under extreme stress and as such many of your normal inate functions will in fact be dysfunctional. Your sexuality cannot be determined definitively under your present circumstances. Having 2 daughters of my own, both from different mothers, has produced incredible challenges for me so I am aware of the many concerns weighing in upon you as a father. Your wife’s unhappiness is not, in itself, your responsibility but sits solely at her feet. However, your daughter’s happiness and future is a major concern and responsibility for both of you. You appear to be able to articulate your problem sucinctly on this site and I wonder if you are able to bring the matter up with the mother based solely on the reprucusions of the situation as it relates to your daughter? Unless your wife is an abysmal narcicist she may well adjust her behaviour through her love for the daughter. Good luck my friend… will require lots of it.

    Comment by triassic — Mon 7th September 2015 @ 10:23 am

  2. Hi Mahesh,

    Sorry to hear about your situation. This is my advice:

    Marriage is a contract, whereby two people love, respect and cherish each other, and pool their economic resources to raise their children.

    This contract breaks down if one of the people stops contributing to the arrangement. In your case something is happening to the relationship, which shows itself as asexuality, but this could be just a symptom, of the relationship not working.

    Your partner has stopped contributing her side of the contract, in that she is dissatisfied with you, is using your daughter as a sounding board and is thereby contaminating the relationship you have with your daughter. Your partner is probably manipulating the situation to get you to leave.

    My advice is this: Please get proper relationship counselling, and either try to repair the relationship, or, if your partner does not want to, muster up all your courage and leave. Find a new partner, keep your money for your self and your daughter, write off the previous chapter in your life, and start living again. Keeping together, being used and abused like this is morally wrong,and will harm you, and your daughter.

    Comment by Joseph — Mon 7th September 2015 @ 10:44 am

  3. Mahesh
    I think separating parents have to think about how bad separating is for children. Children living in separate homes day to day is hell. Imagine doing it yourself! The culture we adopt for ourselves is sold to us through our TV programing. Occasionally I hear a woman boast that she is ‘child free this weekend’. Nothing ever compared to having children and family for me so I wonder why people have such un natural feelings towards their family and children. Watching anything on TV soon answers that. I believe that if people didn’t watch TV, the government would make it mandatory as in North Korea. I had a Pakistani work mate who told me one day that Western women treat their children worse than animals do.

    Comment by Doug — Tue 8th September 2015 @ 8:04 pm

  4. Dear Maheshav,

    please feel free to call me on (09) 638 7275. I can lend an ear, maybe suggest several alternative approaches and encourage you to negotiate in good faith. (These are all things you can probably do by yourself anyway, but encouragement and support may have benefits for all of the members of your family.) I can probably suggest some other supports too.

    Father and Child Trust in Onehunga are good supporters for fathers.

    Best regards,
    Murray Bacon.

    Comment by MurrayBacon — Wed 9th September 2015 @ 8:26 pm

  5. This one is easy to help with;

    Firstly send your wife this way for the odd fuck.

    That should ease the preasure on you (I am only thinking of you and wanting to help your marriage – hell of a guy, I know)

    This will make your wife happy again and she may be heard singing as she makes your lunch, clearly this will promote you as a caring selfless individual.

    Explain to your wife that your will help her through this by focusing on her happiness and satisfaction as long as she tells your daughter you are not gay after all.

    If this fails tell the bitch to fuck off.

    Comment by paul — Mon 14th September 2015 @ 12:46 am

  6. This is a very insensitive comment Paul. How would you feel if you were in Mahesh’s position and you received this advice?

    In the unlikely event that he was to call your bluff and accept your offer, the outcome would probably not be good for you either.

    If you are looking for casual sex, choosing a woman in an unhappy relationship who is abusive to her partner is a very risky strategy in my opinion. I suggest a better option would be to rent a prostitute for an hour or so and pay her to go away afterwards.

    Comment by JohnPotter — Mon 14th September 2015 @ 9:49 am

  7. Ok,Ok yes perhaps a little insensitive. John your comment does imply that prostitutes are not in unhappy relationships. (otherwise the same risk must apply)

    I reckon that if I was asexual and didn’t want to bang the missus who had abused me, I would be really happy for her to be having some joy in her life.

    This could really take the preasure off me and stop her delivering bad comments to our children/child. I view this as a helpful sensitive suggestion which may be the perfect soloution.

    Comment by Paul — Tue 15th September 2015 @ 2:09 am

  8. Paul, you sound simple and dull enough to be a legal worker? There might be more to life, than money and being a repetitive lubricated reciprocating engine?

    I would guess that Maheshav’s life story has more to it, than he related above. Retaining some privacy respects all involved. While there is life, there is hope. Sometimes I have difficulty to hold onto hope in my life. Most of us do at times. That is when friendship can really show its value (not money value Paul….).


    Comment by MurrayBacon — Tue 15th September 2015 @ 8:49 am

  9. Hi Mahesh, I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It’s hard to give advise when I know so few details. I recommend you take up Murray’s advise and give him a call. He is a good guy.
    If you are asexual then it’s best that you break up. Let the mother be free to pursue other relationships. Your wife will do very nicely out of any divorce settlement. Beyond that her finances are not your concern. You will have to pay child support for 3 years and then you can move on with your life.
    Your girl is 15 and so she can choose where she lives. Hopefully she will choose to share her time between the two of you.

    Your other option is to try to hold things together for another 3 years and then you can leave and rebuild a new life for yourself. This probably isn’t healthy but some parents manage to do it for their kids sake.

    Comment by Vman — Thu 24th September 2015 @ 2:37 pm

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