MENZ Issues: news and discussion about New Zealand men, fathers, family law, divorce, courts, protests, gender politics, and male health.

Being gentle men

Filed under: General — PGRoy @ 12:06 am Thu 2nd March 2006

I help out in a support agency for men, I support and encourage them, I help also in management of this group. I have been through hell and ten years of theraputic personal work, and I am not stopping that any time soon, the rewards are too great. Why do it, why put myself through it?

For the men, thats why – for all men, for me primarily, because the range and extent of people our agency sees is huge, as is the range of injury to the soul/emotional body.

There are people from all walks and places in their lives, most of whom recognise they have a problem and want to change something in their lives. Invariably they learn and take something with them into relationships and life in general. There is a flow on in the lives of others, be it their partners, children, freinds, or workmates.

Theres a notion that it is “pussy” to be gentle but let me assure you it sure isn’t. To actually change and learn new strategies for dealing with confrontation or disagreement is hell scary.

To face myself helped me face all comers. I make no apology for congratulating and supporting our men who facilitate these changes, and the brave men who make these changes in their lives. It is no easy road.

Here’s the rub: what point is there in men going through this change alone, if feminism has done much for women and will no doubt continue to do so, the state of our men is lagging desparately behind? Our mental emotional and physical health, are they sidelined and if so why? Yet there is so little available for men specifically. Things are improving, but there is still a ways to go. There is apparantly little research into how men are in our country. Sad isn’t it? Our stats in so many areas are so sad, yet little is done to redress it.

I personally found so much has been related to my personal journey as a man in terms of how I feel in relation to the world. It has given strengths that amaze me even today. We are told to walk the talk by some agencies. I agree to some extent, and in some ways disagree. We need to walk the talk, and we neeed to do it as men. And we need places and help to do that. So that in many cases we heal wounds that may have made us wound. To find our strength in our emotional health.

Back to healthy relationships and selves. Maybe its our time to lead in a new direction.

Unless we actively attend to ourselves, our society is in danger. Men as fathers brother uncles granddads and freinds are critical to society. We do this by infusing healthy male energy into our worlds and the worlds of coming generations. If we do this, if we as men remain men and learn new strength, we can remain steadfast in our masculinity.

If we remain steadfast to our masculinity and show we can live without violence, without control, and without manipulation, and yet stand our ground in family, work, court, political situations then there is no way we can be stopped. Our world will become better, the world we leave will become greater because we passed by.

Remember the good and strong men who have lived. Don’t buy into and focus on the negative press. Be a man and be proud. Hold your grace, dignity, manliness and do so in the manner of a man. Do this in all places at all times. If you do you will be rewarded – believe me. A world wothout strong men is no world at all.


  1. I have a little problem with this contribution-
    I agree with the principle of being a Gentleman, and the strength underlying.
    I do have a problem with someone from a ‘helping agency’ setting themselves up as a superior person, and treating men who are in difficulties as in need of ‘self improvement’ as the answer to all their problems.
    I can recall being in dire straights, at the end of my marriage. I knew I needed all the help I could find, and went out searching for support.
    At every turn I found smug, self satisfied people who were running ‘wonderful’ programmes for ‘men like me’ to help me to ‘improve’ myself so I could be like them.
    After much soul searching, I concluded that:

    Comment by John Brett — Sat 4th March 2006 @ 8:48 pm

  2. -oops, I hit the tab key and submitted it unfinished-
    I concluded that
    1 There wasn’t too much wrong with me, and self improvement wasn’t my most important need at the time.
    2 I reckon had done a really great job of being a man so far- especially as a father. What’s more, my mother, my sisters, and ven my children all agreed!
    3 What I needed was “SELF DEFENCE” not f*ing self improvement.
    What I was getting was the equivalent to telling a cripple that it must be their own fault, and trying to hook them into some mind over matter programme!
    4 What I needed then is what Menscentre offers now- Accepting men as they are, listening to their problems, and showing them how to deal with, (and often ‘Deal to’) the problems afflicting them.
    5 If you give up the Patronising- you get to meet great people.

    Comment by John Brett — Sat 4th March 2006 @ 9:02 pm

  3. Ah yes; well i remember how during Family Court proceedings, I was informed I was violent.
    Not only did I want to (if I hadn’t already) rape my children; I was also violent.
    But only subtly.
    In fact, after 16 weeks of sitting through an “all men are violent” programme, week in and week, out having not only the other guests, but also the femi-nazi up the front asking me “why are you here?” – I still didn’t know!
    I had to take responsibility for my violent actions.
    Except noone could tell me what they were.
    So in the end, they decided I was passive-agreesive.
    Because they couldn’t find any violence in me, it had to be passive.
    But violent, nonetheless.
    The beauty of it.
    These same people tell you that if you think violent thoughts – then you are violently abusing someone!
    If you in any way control anything in your relationship, you are violent.
    If you manipulate anyone to acheive anything, you are violent.
    (and which gender is the master of manipulation, guilt trip and emotional control???)

    So there I was: a truly violent person.

    So now I sit down and try to reason with my partner.
    I try to present my viewpoint; why I’d like certain things certain ways.

    And as soon as I do that – out it comes again: I’m make, a mysoginistic relic of the inherantly patriarchal society that just wants woman as a domestic sex slave.
    In other words, I’m controlling, manipulative, selfish etc etc.

    Which is a great line to through at any man, who therefore must defer to any woman’s wishes, else he simply prove her right.

    Yes, women got organised: they got to the top.
    And many of these women have shown themselves to be just as incompetant, power driven, manipulative, conrolling and violent as any male has ever dared to be.

    There will be a World War Three.
    Even with Condalisa Rice at the helm of American warfare (ops – ‘defence’).

    And the beauty of it all, after that we’ll all be living in caves again!

    Comment by Al D Rado — Mon 6th March 2006 @ 6:50 pm

  4. Remember the ‘John Wayne Toilet Paper’?

    Rough, Tough, and takes no shit from Indians!”

    Way to go- make the Feminazis eat their own shit!

    Comment by John Brett — Wed 8th March 2006 @ 9:31 pm

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