MENZ Issues: news and discussion about New Zealand men, fathers, family law, divorce, courts, protests, gender politics, and male health.

Helping Men

Filed under: Domestic Violence,Gender Politics,Law & Courts,Sex Abuse / CYF — MurrayBacon @ 4:40 pm Sat 30th June 2012

I recommend careful attention to two issues, when helping people dealing with familycaught$ (or CYFs).

1. Mental Health
2. Parenting Skills

New Zealand Guidelines Group published a booklet for GPs:

Identification of Common Mental Disorders and Management of Depression in Primary Care.
An Evidence-based Best Practice Guideline.
Published by New Zealand Guidelines Group; Wellington: 2008.
Published: July 2008
Review Date: 2011
ISBN (Print): 978-0-473-13683-3
ISBN (Electronic): 978-0-473-13684-0
Hard copies of this guideline are available free from: Wickliffe: 04 496 2277
Order Nos. HP: 4597 (full); HP: 4619 (summary)
This guideline is also available online at: New Zealand Guidelines Group
( and the Ministry of Health (

This booklet is aimed at GPs and covers basic diagnosis and treatment.

I suggest that it may be used by advocates, to obtain a basic understanding of mental illness and the treatments available. In all humility, we cannot aim to apply this knowledge, but a general understanding may assist in suggesting what a person might do, to take the best care of themself. www.Wikipedia is also very good in explaining these issues.

It is very common, that people under the stresses of separation and possible loss of access to their own children, may suffer from a degree of mental illness. This may be of short duration or intermittent. This is a circular situation, as this will make them more likely to suffer separation and also more vulnerable to suffering more from separation.

Mental illness, even at a low level, impacts onto relationships, both intimate and parental. Rather than suffering in silence, I suggest to yell from the rooftops and set off bombs.

More practically, quietly go and get social support (ie an advocate) and get professional support for any illness issues. Don’t wait for major problems to become obvious, act early and quietly. This avoids allowing yourself to become an easy target, for any relationship vandals that you might misschance to meet.

Most men underplay their problems and as a result, deny themselves help that is available. I suggest maybe even put your symptoms more bluntly than you think and make sure you get some help, apart from anti-depressants. (You have probably just ended up being more honest.)

Equally, get support and assistance in parenting.

During separation, men usually lose most of the learning from their wife/ex-wife and if they lose a lot of contact with their children, they lose much of their parenting skill development.

Again, rather than suffering, they need to act strongly, to protect their development as a skilled and stable parent. Develop alternative contact with other parents, cultivate more contact with the children’s schoolteacher, cultivate more contact with your nephews and nieces, offer to take care/babysit neighbour’s children….. Discuss parenting issues with workmates, your siblings……

Rather than be paralysed by embarrassment, act to protect your role as a parent. Rather than being proud, protect your relationships.

I want to offer hope. If I am depressing anyone, contact me personally. MurrayBacon – axe murderer.


  1. When you seek support, check the Bone Fides of person or organisation. We are aware of one who has ties with CYF. Talk to your trusted friends. Trust your instincts.

    Comment by Gwaihir — Sat 30th June 2012 @ 7:50 pm

  2. “I want to offer hope” …because after all this, laughter is the only medicine left.

    Comment by Bruce S — Sat 30th June 2012 @ 8:43 pm

  3. It really doesn’t pay to laugh at the wrong places, dear deceased Bruce S.

    More seriously though, my comments are made only after seeing so many missed opportunities, where men (and more than a few women too) let opportunities slip through their hands, by hesitating before getting help. Where there is some need, see the glass as half empty and get help, rather than as half full and she’ll be right!

    Where lost opportunities leave our families in fragments, then lets be proactive to maintain and protect from the enemies among us. In other words, don’t be proud and don’t be your own worst enemy!

    Cheers, MurrayBacon.

    Comment by MurrayBacon — Sat 30th June 2012 @ 9:33 pm

  4. The most recent of these is Julie who from an a male supporting stance has well & truely turned to the dark side.

    Comment by Gwaihir — Sat 30th June 2012 @ 10:01 pm

  5. Dear Gwaihir, your comment appears to be taking a black and white stance. The best things in life, are in shades of grey or colour. I admit that I don’t understand your apparent attack on Julie, but that isn’t so relevant to helping men and getting them to help themselves (in the inclusive of women too). MurrayBacon.

    Comment by MurrayBacon — Sun 1st July 2012 @ 7:36 am

  6. I agree Murray, Julie used to be a friend of the mens movement. Any activity that requires external funding must remember the adage, he who pays the piper calls the tune. Take the All Blacks. Look at the associated advertising they carry and no doubt the sponsors fine product in their refreshment areas. If Julie obtained funding from Coca Cola (And I don’t imply that she does) one can reasonably expect the children to return home with a Cocoa Cola T Shirt and again a surplus of the sponsors product to consume.

    I am getting very concerned at the amount of cash CYF with seeming innocence (Yeah Right)fund these organisations.

    Julie seems to have got herself embroiled with another organisation operated by an X CYF employee and a registered social worker. One is forced to question the free flow of information to CYF. Are they safe?

    Equally the only males this organisation have ever associated with have departed. Not a good support group for males, Julie unfortunately has become embroiled.

    We are now in a position Murray where if it wears a skirt I distrust it until they prove themselves worthy.

    Comment by Gwaihir — Sun 1st July 2012 @ 9:35 am

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