MENZ Issues: news and discussion about New Zealand men, fathers, family law, divorce, courts, protests, gender politics, and male health.

Parent but not a mother

Filed under: Law & Courts — Chris @ 5:32 pm Mon 11th September 2017

So as a man in his mid 40’s I had pretty much resigned to the fact that I was not going to become a father. I discovered that one partner I had for a few years was proud of her 11 abortions… shortly thereafter I gently tippytoed away from the secondary school teacher in a boys school in West Auckland. After that my next partner of 18 months announced she was pregnant, I knew she was before she told me, but she is so utterly impractical that she almost had to deliver to find out. Roll forward 3 years. We have a boy, she slept with some lucky bloke and I guess the guilt made her have to let me know, we were over. He can have her.

She is rude to our little boy, tells him off if he does something that any little boy in his 2-3 age would do and this little boy is a fantastic kid. Never plays up, and is a champ. Since she decided we were split she has “parented” her arse off, its like she knew all along she was a fucked parent, but was waiting for custody before she bothered to really try. Thats lovely.

Even as I didn’t think I would become a dad, I knew I would love it if it happened. I didn’t know how much I would adore my boy and how much my entire life would revolve around wanting him to be cared for, happy and content. I have not loved many people in my life and I would say I don’t believe I have ever loved a female partner. I do however love my little boy. I was hassled in a female vs male, joking way at family outings… that oh its a dirty nappy… give it to daddy… they never do the nappies… well guess what… I do, because I want my boy to be happy, and well and i know that it’s simple and it makes a huge difference to his wellbeing. Before he came along the rumour from parenting research i did, was nappies were pure evil… that set me up for the panic… and meh… its nothing.

But for her… she hates it, she never likes to change his nappy in the morning, she almost won’t and I find myself always doing it. I just want him to not be sitting in it. Whats wrong with her ?

She works full time and is well paid… that said since the split she has been finding alot of fake reasons to be suddenly home 4 hours early more than 3 days a week… its like she thinks i’m searching the house or something. I work in a number of self made roles that I have created little businesses and run them all online. They provide incomes that are unreliable and unpredictable but when they work as they go up and down… they can produce good money quickly.

This I guess is about custody… assets will be divided… but my boy is all I really want. What did you do to gain custody or a greater portion of custody of your child ?

And custody needs to be a “Category”.

Thankyou – I wish you well on your quest to find peace.


  1. I had a different situation from you, my ex-wife played hard-ball from the get-go and filed for 100% custody of the kids and the house because of my “psychological abuse” (she forgot to mention hers) which was the product of a very toxic and shitty relationship.

    It took me almost three years to get from 4 hours a week on Sunday to 50/50 custody and I had to get over the following hurdles:
    A. Get a good lawyer.
    1. Divide assets so that I could afford a deposit on a new home with rooms for the children.
    2. Apply through the family court for 50/50 custody to be phased in over a year.
    3. Keep my nose clean, jump through the hoops, be a good Dad whenever the kids were with me.
    4. Turn up at court and present yourself in the best possible light.
    4. Wait and hope.

    I think if you are aiming for more than 50% custody you might be disappointed unless you can prove your ex-partner is a drug-addict and/or serial-killer. A friend of mine has a kid who sleeps on a mattress on the floor when he drops his kid to his ex-missus and she’s often drunk. He couldn’t get more than 50/50.

    Get ready for a struggle because custody is tied to money and if your’s is anything like mine; she’ll fight you for custody just so the money keeps flowing from you to her.

    Comment by Jonathan — Tue 12th September 2017 @ 10:21 am

  2. Concerned men we welcome your interest

    Comment by Downunder — Tue 12th September 2017 @ 12:09 pm

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URL

Leave a comment

Please note that comments which do not conform with the rules of this site are likely to be removed. They should be on-topic for the page they are on. Discussions about moderation are specifically forbidden. All spam will be deleted within a few hours and blacklisted on the stopforumspam database.

This site is cached. Comments will not appear immediately unless you are logged in. Please do not make multiple attempts.

Skip to toolbar