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He wrote: ‘Parental Alienation is devastating. I loved my children as much as a husband and father could. I see no light’

Filed under: General — Lukenz @ 2:34 am Thu 14th January 2021

This is what a real bloodstained suicide note from a man who experienced the Family Court looks like.

Before he killed himself he wrote: “FAMILY LAW NEEDS REFORM”. I recommend mandated lower costs and less reward for false claims of abuse. Parental Alienation is devastating. I loved my children as much as a husband and father could. I see no light. Recommend; an authority consistent during high conflict separations: It is exploited in family law.

“Sorry Dad and Angie. I’m very sorry.”

He was 45 years old when he died. He had 2 children.

His bank accounts were locked, he lost his home, his vehicle, his business.

You emasculate a man and take away his ability to provide … he’s a human being. He has limits and the Judge crossed them.

The children want their dad back. The public opinion and liability for male suicide is growing.


  1. Heart wrenching. Any luck with correlating suicides with the family court process? While we are constantly reminded about Domestic Violence against women, there is little noise being generated by women who abuse the system and where good men have had their lives destroyed or tragically ended.

    Comment by ErasingDad — Thu 14th January 2021 @ 7:32 am

  2. By topping yourself the kids loose and so does your family, highly selfish and self absorbed behaviour. I have been through the family court system over a period of 7 years. I have spent $120k on legal advice and I understand why blokes give up and leave the country but no one wins if you top yourself. Don’t give the ex wife the satisfaction stay and fight for your kids. Things always seem bleak b fire the dawn

    Comment by Chris — Thu 14th January 2021 @ 8:38 am

  3. @Chris – all good points you make but everyone’s experience will be different. Some more challenging than others. I know someone who has spent just under $40K in three months. Their case doesn’t have firm dates until December. Suicide is very complicated. At the heart of it is generally a very deep sadness. So while it may seem selfish and self absorbed, such people fall through the cracks of support services and are completely vulnerable. The system is designed to protect the applicant and this is understandable given NZ’s terrible DV figures. Some men lose everything. Their children are turned into weapons where the system distills fatherhood down to merely paying monthly child support. For however long the process takes you are guilty until proven innocent. As Perjury does not exist in the family court, men can end up defending allegations which are simply untrue. There will be some men who will fall victim to the process without the right support.

    Comment by ErasingDad — Thu 14th January 2021 @ 5:26 pm

  4. Not only that perjury doesn’t exist but God forbid if you even discreetly and respectfuly point out to that . You will be accussed of “emotional and mental abuse “. In my case , the woman , sworn in Affidavit tha her cara was damaged twice at a restaurant parking , of course by me . When reporting these damages to the Police she said her car was parked at her driveway , implyinga home invasion . I pointed to that and he Judge on 15 Dec 2020 told me : “Quote : You have to undertake a psychiatric treatmnet for at lest 3 months . Without that , don’t even think of askinga for PO disharge application “. Unquote . When I asked the Judge , what made her ordering a psychiatric assess met , she said you know why .

    Comment by tony — Thu 14th January 2021 @ 9:32 pm

  5. I have heard if you produce undisputable physical evidence to defend an allegation you are reprimanded. In your case you have been reprimanded, sentenced, and given a Smart Aleck hiss for bringing up giving evidence to dispute an allegation.

    That’s just nonsense.

    Can you recall the words you used?

    Can anyone else suggest the acceptable approach?

    Has anyone else faced this?

    Comment by Lukenz — Fri 15th January 2021 @ 3:03 am

  6. @5. Lukenz

    Hi Lukenz .I am not quite sure if your post is related to the mine one , but if it is I would like to mention the following :

    1. My Judge wrote that I have become a worse person than 3 years ago, that she doesn’t like the tone of my Affidavit, that I have to undertake a 6 months psychiatric treatment , despite me starting successfully a new teaching career , despite paying my debt to IRD , despite having a stable relationship etc, etc .

    2. When I asked the Judge what made her drawing such a negative conclusion she told me – Take your Affidavit and the Application for a discharge and go to a psychiatry – he will tell you and don’t come to Court at all without a at least 6 months of psychiatric treatment.

    3. Well. I just come from my first psychiatric assessment. Basically it says – I am very much Ok and that having a loud voice and strong personality have nothing to do with any propensity for emotional and mental abuses.

    4. Although I was threatened by the Judge that I shall be banned from approaching the Court and if I do that she will impose on me at least $ 3000 legal costs etc, etc . – I shall include my today’s psychiatric assessment and carry on with my application. My motivation: I am a graduated teacher and no one will employ me with an existing PO.

    5. Now I have yet to find a lawyer to represent me who is not afraid to oppose the Judge’s opinion.

    6. Wish me a luck

    Comment by tony — Fri 15th January 2021 @ 10:21 am

  7. @ErasingDad
    Sadly the experiences I have heard about are very similar, mine started relatively benign with complaints about children not being fed, not being cared for, not enough attention before descending into complaints of physical and physiological abuse then escalating into serious complaints to the Police, courts and CYFS of sexual abuse. From 2009 to 2016 I was before the family court for one thing or another. Seven years and out the other side with a custody order and a warrant to uplift and instructions from the court to my ex that they don’t want to see her again….I have been through the mill of supervised visitation through to not seeing my children for eight months. Sitting in police stations trying to remain calm as some snotty cop accuses you of shit that you haven’t done. All good stuff for the character…… Ive sat before judge Burns (wot a wanker)during hearings that have lasted over a week and a number of other family court judges. I have listened to my ex perjure herself. My point is that your focus needs to be firmly planted on your love for your children anything less and the dangers are real. The children need to come first before and above all things regardless of how crazy your ex or your life is.

    Comment by Chris — Fri 15th January 2021 @ 1:04 pm

  8. The answer I think is here.

    It is called the Duluth Model.

    The Duluth Model or Domestic Abuse Intervention Project is a program developed to reduce domestic violence against women. It is named after Duluth, Minnesota, the city where it was developed. The program was largely founded by feminist Ellen Pence.

    Critics point out that the model ignores the reality that women can be the perpetrators of domestic violence in heterosexual relationships.

    I do not know how to present a case without referring to evidence that revels she mislead or was manipulative.

    New Zealand subscribes to this model.

    Comment by Lukenz — Fri 15th January 2021 @ 1:17 pm

  9. Oh Man,,, this nasty problem does not start with the children, to make your focus gutwrenchingly, solely on the children is not the only way, forced down the family caught trap you will lose sooo much more , your sense of self will be plummeted, I do not see how this will help your children, no matter the outcome for you after years of being caught, in this system, you will end up paying for the rest of your days, in one way or another.

    It is crazy to spend copious amounts of dosh toward this purpose, although money is nothing it is certainly is something that can make you just want to shut down, you may not see a way out.

    What Is bloody needed in this Ugly Net of so called justice??.. is a natural born respect for both parents, regardless of circumstance.. for one parent to be kept from their kids is wrong no matter how you look at it.
    Surely in this day and age where everyone is being catered for the Fathers’ of our kids should be upheld and given respect….can we just have some respect.. and respect would be actually making sure the connection is kept between Children and their Dads.

    Comment by mama — Fri 15th January 2021 @ 3:44 pm

  10. The minute an accusation is made against ones partner a physco report should ordered, paid for by both, proven false would be now the worry of the false accusor, their act is now under immediate scrutiny by a professional, not to mention being charged and having to pay the others half of the fee.

    Comment by mama — Fri 15th January 2021 @ 3:54 pm

  11. My psychiatrist sent a letter to the Court basically asking:

    1. Since I couldn’t find any mental disorder, please tell me what gestures or behaviour made you draw a conclusion that he needs 6 months psychiatric treatment?

    2. Don’t you have anymore Court psychiatrist, so they can assess him?

    Something tells me the Judge will never reply. That reminds me of Stalin’s time.

    Comment by tony — Fri 15th January 2021 @ 9:19 pm

  12. @Luke – you are correct about the Duluth model. Place’s like Shine use it. The model actually justifies women’s violence against men because it is viewed as being a valid response to the violence from men. Non-violence programmes for Men such as Man Alive teach the complete opposite – all violence is unacceptable no matter the circumstance. Organization’s like Shine ‘coach’ women to get a PO and then advise how to run a campaign of psychological violence to try and get PO breaches. This has been going on for many years. These organizations seek to secure govt funding at the cost of men’s lives.

    Note, I am not dismissing the fact there is genuine violence towards women and some men are simply nasty. But the process is so fraudulent with false or exaggerated allegations that men are easily removed from the lives of their children. This is done under the guise that it is in the children’s best interests but as @mama states, the respect of a father’s relationship with his children is being trampled on.

    Comment by ErasingDad — Sun 17th January 2021 @ 9:32 am

  13. Well it turns out you can make a complaint about a Judge. However, there are extremely tight guidelines. And that is reflected on the tally of how many get through and the steady decline in complaints as lawyers see it table dressing.

    To add, it looks like it can take a couple of years to process.

    It seems the Colonel in charge is a chap called Alan Richie. His title is Judicial Conduct Commissioner. Kathryn Snook is his deputy.

    So if you click on the link above and scroll down to the pie chart on page 4 and you will see how effective the process is.

    Firstly, the number of complaints have fallen from about 350 per year to 150. In other words lawyers see it as a pointless exercise. Please understand this is all the courts and the Family Court is 192 complaints for 2015 to 2020 period.

    Secondly, the scale of the problem is represented on page 3. That is to say,

    1,569 complaints.

    1 Recommendation for Judicial Conduct Panel under section 18.

    And there has been no outcome on that single complaint.

    This is why if @11 Tony makes a complaint…

    a. The way he was spoken to, while below par, will not meet the standard.
    b. His sentencing to attend 6 months worth of psychiatrist treatment can’t be overturned by the panel.

    The act to govern Judges conduct is failing.

    Comment by Lukenz — Sun 17th January 2021 @ 5:34 pm

  14. Thanks Lukenz.

    Seems they wrote a law with so many holes that everything falls through.

    There seems to be no bad decision register.
    Which is essentially what they are avoiding.
    A bad decision is not justification for removing a judge.
    But a long list of bad decisions is justification for action to stop it happening.

    Good link to the radio interview.
    A well informed speaker.
    Exposing corrupt behaviour.
    And society suffering.
    As he states.
    The conflict industry.

    Comment by DJ Ward — Sun 17th January 2021 @ 9:23 pm

  15. With the benefits of a hindsight I believe the following paras from my Affidavit in reply to her NO made the Judge furious :

    4. However, the only proof of her strong personal desire to hold me a hostage to the P.O for as long as I am alive is a barrage of words such as my inappropriate joke, reckless behaviour, lack of ethical, moral and cultural customs judgements, obstinate harassment, lack of scruples, immoral, illegal unethical, mischief etc.

    5. Regrettably, these important words have been devalued by their ceaseless repetition and rendered almost meaningless since they lack any concrete, specific, even remotely credible damaging event of my doing, that can pass the balance of probabilities legal test.

    6. It would have helped me immensely to understand and accept her motivation and reasons behind this rhetoric barrage, if only she had pointed out to just one single, even remotely credible substance or concrete damaging event of my doing, that happened for the last 4 years and counting. I do respectfully ask her for that.

    7. But in a glaring absence of such single event, I have been led to believe, that her stated eternal fear of me is misguided and irrational and that she lives in her own world ruled by past and by her own non-objective perception. I mean, how else to interpret her firm illusion that I had been already sentenced to P.O for as long as I am alive and that I have criminal convictions ?

    Comment by tony — Mon 18th January 2021 @ 10:47 pm

  16. Tony.

    Yes I don’t think you helped the situation.

    I have been thinking about your options.
    Most importantly your future.
    Because you may not get the PO removed.

    You say you have qualified to be a teacher.
    The PO might stop you from doing that.
    While I think it is illegitimate to impose such a penalty on you.
    You may not be able to stop it.

    Is there a review process by the Ministry of Education.
    So your case may be looked at.
    No child abuse.
    No assault conviction etc.
    Make an application on the basis of being Manifestly Unjust.
    To refuse the right to work.
    A legal system cannot be used to do Manifestly Unjust things.

    Obviously a Family Court resultant, far too often.

    Human Rights Act 1993, 62a (1)

    They are pretty stupid at writing laws as there definition includes about 100% of humans.
    Did she ever say anything abusive to you for example.
    Guarantee she has.
    So under the act they can’t discriminate.

    Bill of Rights 1990.

    Section 9.
    You could argue that is unlawful.

    So if you can’t teach you need to consider your options.
    The education may help you get another, but different job.

    Otherwise take from NZ everything you can.
    Give it your middle finger.
    And start a new life overseas.
    If they can’t help you.
    They don’t deserve you.
    Set yourself up before you go obviously.

    You have a lot to think about.
    Take your time.
    Fight your desired options until they are dead ends.

    Maybe something like this.
    Give it 12 months to try to resolve this problem.
    If not, new path in life.

    Comment by DJ Ward — Tue 19th January 2021 @ 5:28 pm

  17. @Tony – if you don’t have one already, you need to get a Lawyer to represent you and write the affidavits etc. The Lawyer will help remove the emotion as you are quite rightly distressed but may need a bit of help keeping this from being interpreted incorrectly.

    I am in a similar situation where I am now looking to a new future overseas. I’m not going to let the court wrap me up into a never-ending spiral of hoops to jump through while I’m bled dry financially. In my circumstances the best thing I can do for my children is to rebuild my live away from the provocation and hostility that the family court facilitates. I will see my children again, but not yet.

    Comment by ErasingDad — Tue 19th January 2021 @ 8:09 pm

  18. Thank you very much to DJ Ward and Erasing dad. I am glad I know , although electronicaly , ha ha , some good people. Thanks a lot.

    Comment by tony — Tue 19th January 2021 @ 8:51 pm

  19. Dear Chris #2,
    you seem to discus a suicide decision in a rational way.
    My experience with friends and aquaintances who have completed suicide, is that they were not fully rational at the time. Often the visible issues look as though they would not be enough to make suicide the best option.
    As well as the overt issues present at the time of suicide, in most cases there are also underlying issues of childhood emotional neglect or abuse. When these are added into the equation, then suicide is often a fairly rational choice.
    This reflects the relatively weak mental health services and the stigma against seeking help.
    I hope that more effective mental health services can be developed and men persuaded to make use of them.
    I suggest that before a friend gets into a very fraught state, that friends support them and if appropriate, encourage them to seek help.
    As discussed by other people above, NZ social services sometimes act to drive suicides. It would be more socially valuable, for our systems to be less encouraging of suicide.

    Comment by Murray Bacon — Sun 24th January 2021 @ 11:42 pm

  20. @ DJ Ward

    “Did she ever say anything abusive to you for example.
    Guarantee she has.

    Not only she didn’t deny my allegations for 3 physical assaults but very grudgingly she admited that in the Court hearing . Abusive words from her ha ha – twice a week . She never denied these.

    Comment by tony — Mon 25th January 2021 @ 12:50 am

  21. Hello Murray.

    I think the philosophy is.
    The straw that broke the camels back.

    Sometimes even little things can be the driver.
    Something causing paranoia, or shame for example.
    The mind already burdened, then more.

    Does a person have hope for the future.
    For males we have a large rise in our 40s.
    I think this can be from males having hope taken from them.
    The go nowhere job, or future.
    The female desperate for pregnancy in her 30s.
    Loss of assets, and future income, as a resultant.
    Health ruining future possibilities.
    Prospect of, or accountability for wrongdoings.
    Regret, loss, hopelessness.
    Being trapped, and miserable.

    Different from the young males suicides.
    Where those childhood things, can become reality.
    And flaws like bipolar become torture.
    Finding oneself in a cruel world.
    And the evolutionary judgement men are subject to.

    The possibility that one thing is the cause is unlikely.
    Statistically however, there is some very heavy straws.

    Recently a close friend has had problems with a son.
    To me I’ve only seen the nicest boy.
    Kind, caring, and giving.
    Yet he has engaged unknowingly by the mother.
    With a school counsellor.
    Who has recommended antidepressants to him.
    He says everyone is on them. (what a surprise)
    An argument developed with his mother.
    And he tried to attack her with a knife.

    I felt heartbroken.
    And will speak with him, next time I see him.

    Comment by DJ Ward — Mon 25th January 2021 @ 7:31 pm

  22. The web address below shows how much the ‘Conflict Industry’ is worth to the Legal Fraternity receiving payments from Legal aid. Some of the firms and individual Barristers have been suckling for many years earning incredible money.

    Comment by ErasingDad — Thu 28th January 2021 @ 7:33 pm

  23. @19. Chris did not say it was a rational way out.

    All Chris said he understood how that man was feeling. Further, anyone who does not understand how that man was feeling is not normal.

    Mental health is caused by mental abuse. It is not some nutters mind getting the better of him late one night.

    This man, this dad was mentally abused to a point he could not cope anymore.

    That blood-stained suicide letter clearly detailed the government caused that dads suicide by its process and there was no backstop. And they have been doing it for decades.

    They simply do not give a shit.

    One day a child in the presence of media will ask the Prime Minister why his dad was treated this way to cause his suicide.

    It is my personal view the taking of human life by mental abuse should fall under the crimes act and be punishable by imprisonment just like any other nasty behaviour.

    Comment by Lukenz — Thu 28th January 2021 @ 9:58 pm

  24. I have found out a former partner of mine committed suicide.
    By hanging herself.
    She desperately wanted to be a mother.
    But couldn’t despite trying everything.
    Including me, I’m guessing.
    It hurts, the loss of someone I loved.
    It hurt when I lost her, as a partner.
    This hurts more.

    Comment by DJ Ward — Sun 31st January 2021 @ 7:45 pm

  25. When a father faced with the NZ Family Court system and divorce industry, the father has several options. All of which are terrible. They all have pros and cons. Costs and benefits. However it’s a bit like choosing which method you will be tortured and enslaved with.

    In my view it will not change until teenage boys and young men are clearly taught how the system works and how it treats them in practice. From age 16/17 young men need to be taught the reality of the system, what life choices they have and the probability of various outcomes of those choices. This is not radical. It is simply giving boys and young men, informed consent. Because at the moment men are never offered informed consent. They are persuaded into courses of action, without ever being advised of the risks and outcomes.
    Once an entire generation of boys and young men are properly educated on how the system is designed, how it operates and the like hood of various outcomes then these men will make informed choices. Just watch how fast women start demanding the system change once an entire generation of men start making life decisions that are in their own best interest.

    This education has been prevented until recently however it is out there on the internet and so very gradually men are educating themselves. What I’d really like to see is a compulsory part of the school curriculum where 16 & 17 year old boys are given an information pack and time to read it. But since that would never be allowed in the feminised education system, I guess it will be a very gradual thing where young men slowly educate themselves.

    Comment by Vman — Mon 8th February 2021 @ 1:54 pm

  26. @ Vman

    We all want the best for our kids. Our boys are being educated by watching their dads being set up into a system that is unbalanced. Unreasonable. Their mothers and fathers too are having a word to them. Protecting yourself with trusts and prenuptial’s work. But only if they are updated and take into account future earnings. I personally believe they need to go further than that. They need to spell out what happens if. That is to say. If we separated I agreed to….. a, b, c, I agreed to this way of doing things. Hard to do as you grow assets, jobs, better cars etc.

    Get a receipt and a letter of the lawyer she had advice from. Also, each time it is updated.

    Comment by Lukenz — Mon 1st March 2021 @ 6:41 pm

  27. How can we stand as one and have our voices heard? The court system is so expensive and takes so long to get anywhere. Damage is being done to father / child relationships often as a result of poor judgments based on allegations put IN front of them. No back round checks or any real assessment into a persons character made. To get a case review takes too long.

    Comment by Robin — Wed 10th March 2021 @ 9:37 pm

  28. Robin, The mothers are well funded. Fathers are not.

    The Ministry for Women is the Government’s principal advisor on achieving better results for women, and wider New Zealand. The Ministry has three priority areas: greater economic independence, more women in leadership and increased safety from violence. – This was cut and pasted from the Government website.

    The Government are without doubt….. No! lets not hide behind a firm. Let me rephrased. Jacinda Adern, Andrew Little knows all to well how it turns out for dads. Dads commit suicide because of what happens in the family court. Men commit suicide because of what happens in allegations of a sexual nature.

    They try and hide the mountain of dead men. You see the problem is kids have a fair claim on the Government to claim for their loss.

    The Australian Government, Pauline Hanson and Scott Morrison closed the Family Court. And I see the Scott Morrison Government has instantly increased in popularity.

    Comment by Lukenz — Thu 11th March 2021 @ 9:20 am

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